One Week and One Day/3 Years...

Today my son is one week and one day old.  Can it have already been one week??  It seems like he's been in my life forever, but it also seems like just yesterday that he came into the world.  

A few updates since last week:

• Jake sleeps through the night.  We have to wake him up sometimes to feed him.  Best baby in the world?? Yes.
• He had his first sponge bath and did not like it.  Hopefully he will like bath time better when he can have a real bath once his cord falls off.
• He can imitate my facial expressions.  We sit after he's done eating and I make different faces, my favorite being my lips in an "O" shape, and he will do it too.  It's my favorite game.
• I'm starting to teach him sign.  I am teaching him "Mom," "Dad," and "Milk."
• Other than sleeping, he eats, pees, poops, and gets the hiccups.

That's about it.  Not much that he does other than that, but my days are filled to the brim with the best smiles, expressions, and sounds in the world.  I could stare at him all day, and I do. 

Also, today is my 3 year anniversary.  3 years ago today I was sealed for time and all eternity to my best friend.  These have been the best 3 years of my life.  I fall more in love with J every day.  Especially now that we have a child who is sealed to us forever.  I watch J hold Jake and play with him and smile at every little thing he does and it makes my heart melt.  He is the best man in the world and I can't believe he's mine.   What a way to kick off our fourth year, huh?  Can't wait for the rest of forever with you.  I know I can face anything with you by my side.  You are my rock and my strength.  J, I will love you forever.

Home Grown, All Natural, and Hand Delivered...

Introducing Jacob Christopher Moss:


Born on September 21st at 2:18 am weighing 7 lbs. 5 oz. and measuring 19 1/2 in. long.

Wow. As I sit here typing this my baby boy is bundled up like a little burrito lying next to me. I can't stop staring at him. To think that he is finally here is still so unbelievably surreal. He is perfect. And I never knew what it was like to be whole until he came into the world.

I'm not good at beginnings...or middles...or endings for that matter. I am not a writer so I have no idea where to start and how much to include, so bear with me as I try and recap my birth story, or Jake's birth story rather. (Also, as this is a birth story, I will be including details that to some, may be TMI, so if this applies to you, maybe you should skip over this one.)

First, before I start, a little bit of trivia: Did you know that your plug can regrow after you've lost it? It can...and mine did. Monday morning I lost my second plug. I remember totally not being excited because the loss of that first one didn't amount to much. I actually remember thinking, "I wonder how many of these I will lose before this baby actually decides to come." An hour after that, the first contraction hit. I didn't put much stock into these either until 2 pm when I decided I should probably start timing these. I had to start utilizing my hypnobirthing techniques so I figured they were strong enough to time. They were 6 minutes apart and the gap between them just kept on closing. They hit 5 minutes apart and I decided it was time to call Janice, my midwife, and ask her if she thought we should go to the hospital. She said to wait until 7 (it was 5 at the time) and if they were still going strong to come in. I told my parents what was going on and what my midwife said. By this time, my contractions were getting to be about 3.5-4 minutes apart. My mom was thinking I should go into the hospital then instead of waiting and my dad was too. Mom put Dad on the phone and he said, "Jessica Christine, you better get your (insert expletive here) to the hospital now. You don't want to have this baby in the car." (Hahaha...I just love my dad.) I realized he wasn't going to let this one go and I was getting a little anxious myself so I talked to J and we decided to go get some food at a place near the hospital so if anything did happen we would be closer.

We started gathering all of the hospital bags and all the last minute packing things and putting them in the truck. I went to the bathroom and got quite the show..."bloody show" that is. This freaked me out somewhat so we decided to just go to the hospital and skip getting food. We arrived at the hospital at around 6:15 and we got up to triage around 6:30. They checked me out and told me I was dilated to 4 cm and was 100% effaced. They hooked me up to the external fetal monitor and contraction reading thing-a-ma-jig (so professional, huh?) and we waited for about an hour to see if any progress was made. During this time, there was a shift change and I got a new nurse who checked me out and told me after an hour I was dilated to a 4 and 80% effaced. (...? 100% to 80% after having contractions that were 2-3 minutes apart for an hour?? I really don't like how subjective that whole system is.) She said we could either go home (because according to her no progress was made, which I still think is a crock) or we could walk the halls for another hour and see if that gets us anywhere. We opted to walk around and after the hour I was dilated to 5 cm and 90% effaced. We were then admitted (this was around 10 at that point). I dilated to a 6 fairly quickly after that. I think one contraction did it...it was so intense I threw up.

By this time the contractions were 1-2 minutes apart and were fairly intense. The whole time I had been experiencing these contractions mostly in my back, and by the time I was dilated to 7 cm (around 11) I thought I was going to die. My back was in agony. It was the most...ugh...can't describe it. J asked during that time what it was like and there were really no words. By this time, I was thinking, "I can't do this anymore. I really can't. But I have to." My midwife came and said my back labor indicated he was "Sunny-Side Up" and that I should get on my hands and knees and try and get him to flip over.

This next period is kind of a blur. Starting at 8 cm I remember yelling a lot. I remember screaming occasionally. I remember J being the sweetest, most loving, and most supportive human being on the planet. I remember not being able to communicate with words unless I was yelling at the top of my lungs so in between contractions (the whole 30 seconds) I just remember looking at everyone encouraging me and just shaking my head back and forth. I remember ripping the oxygen mask off every time I had a contraction...which I guess was kind of counter-productive (Jake's heart rate would go down every time I had a contraction so they put the mask on me). After a little while, my midwife checked me again and I was dilated to a 9 and 100% effaced. My bag of waters was still in tact and she wanted to break it at that point to try and get me to a 10 and be able to push. She broke my water and almost immediately after I was dilated to a 10 and I started pushing. I don't know if I was really feeling the need to push or not...I don't really remember, but I started anyways. That was a little before 1 am. I pushed, and pushed, and pushed, and pushed. I would breathe in and push on my exhale, but while I was exhaling I would make this grunting noise...it helped, but now my throat is a little sore. Not long into pushing, Jake's head started to crown. I reached down and touched my baby's head and just lost it. I just cried and kept saying, "My baby. My baby. My baby." I was totally and utterly exhausted, I would fall asleep between the contractions because I was just gone, but feeling his head and knowing that he was almost here gave me the boost I needed to keep going. (By the way...Jake cooperated and flipped over before I started pushing. Thank you, son. That helped Mama immensely). The hour went by and still all that was showing was the head. I felt like we weren't getting anywhere when my midwife got excited and told me that his head was almost out. I pushed again and I could feel it. I put everything I had into the next couple of pushes and out came my beautiful baby boy's head. One more push and he wriggled out like a fish (that was a weird feeling).

I have asked several people what it felt like when they held their baby in their arms for the first time. No one has ever been able to describe it to me, and now I understand why.

This was at a 6 and due to the scariness which is me for the rest of the labor, this will be the only one that surfaces.

Our first family picture. I just start crying every time I look at this.

7 lbs. 5 oz.--smaller than I expected...and I was totally OK with that ;)

I just fall more in love with this man every time I look at him. All through the labor he was right there beside me, telling me I can do it, helping me to breathe and relax, cuddling me and holding me. After our son was born, my heart melted all over again. Seeing him hold and love and play with Jake makes me the happiest person in the world. I will love him forever.

He makes the funnest noises! He grunts and whines and O my...his cry is the sweetest thing ever. I just love it.

There's that profile we saw in the womb. :)

J was by Jake's side the entire time we were in the hospital. So sweet.

Jake was born on his Aunt Janessa's birthday. When she holds him, he just stares at her. He loves his Aunt Janessa. She brought us dinner last night and she brought a bottle of congratulations bubbly with glasses that said "Aunt," "Uncle," "Mommy," "Daddy," and "Gramama." (She made them when we thought my Mom would be here). How sweet is that? Here's to you, Jake. I love you with all my heart.

Adjustments...

I am used to waking up at about 7:30 or 8 and listening for the blow dryer to see if my Mom is done getting ready. If I miss that, I would sometimes get a text around 8 asking me if I was up. It would usually be a no, and then I would text, "come talk to me and wake me up." Mom would come in and then we would talk and laugh until I was coherent enough to get up and get ready. After that, we'd go to the store and get Mom a Pepsi and get both of us (and Jason) possibly a doughnut...or cherry turnover...or something really delicious and fattening. Then, we would come home and play Yahtzee (our version because it's so much better). We would try and think of stuff to do that wasn't too far or too uncomfortable. We'd sometimes take a nap. We'd watch "The Ringer" (Jenna, I think we watched that like 10 times...and quoted it all week). We'd go walk around the mall, or go see family and friends, or read. We'd eat (we were really good at that). Sometimes I would have to work, so she would study her seminary lesson. (I've seriously never seen anyone so dedicated in their lesson preparation...these kids are so lucky to have her.)

This morning I woke up at 9. No blow dryer, no text from Mom, and it made me really sad. So I had J come and cuddle with me before I got up. I love him. Now, I am sitting here wondering what I am going to do with myself. J is working and has plans to try and finish the crib today. What will I do? I feel somewhat lost. I miss my Mom. But, I am so grateful that she got to come at all. I got to spend two whole weeks with her, which hasn't happened in a long time and probably won't ever happen with just the two of us again. She is the most amazing woman I know and I just love her to death.

My Dad also loves her to death. She is his reason for being. It sounds dramatic, but really...he is just completely and utterly devoted to her like that...which I love. I didn't think how hard it was on my Dad to have her gone for two weeks. The night before she left I got really sad and I was trying to find some peace in her leaving and the only thing I was able to come up with was that Dad needed her more than I did. I told her to give him a big hug and tell him that the only reason I let her leave and didn't hold her hostage was because of him. Thanks for sharing her with me, Dad. It meant a lot.

Thanks Mom for coming and staying with me for two weeks. You made it so much fun and so relaxed. I am sorry that our little guy didn't come to say hi while you were here, but we just have to get that Skype set up so you and everyone else can see him. Hopefully that will tie you over until November when you can come and hold him in person. I love you, Mom! You are the best.

What Everyone Calls "D Day"

But I don't like to call it that. That sounds too negative.

But today is the day the docs have told me my baby is "due." I haven't ever really put much stock in this day because I know it's not an exact science of deciding when the baby is due...it's an estimate.

I am feeling stuffed to the brim. Especially today. The baby turned today on his side and it felt like his little behind was going to pop out of my stomach! I don't think there is any room left...so I really don't know how long he can stay in there. But I know skin stretches...that's quite evident with the numerous stretch marks I've received, so I shouldn't be surprised at how long he decides to stay in there.

I am also feeling achy. I waddle like no other...especially when I first get out of the bed. Wowza. Those first few steps I take, I feel like the whole bottom half of my body is going to separate from my upper half and drop to the floor. Mom and I walked around JoAnn's and Costco today. My hips hurt, my pelvis hurts, and my feet and fingers...swollen.

But these few things aren't really that bad. There are ways around these things to make myself more comfortable.

The thing that is starting to wear on me is, well...my looks. How vain, right? I feel ginormous though. I walk by the mirror and I stop, look at my face, and wonder, "When the heck did my face get so big?!" After that, I sit and think and plan my workouts I will do when I can work out again. I think about all the junk food in my house I am getting rid of. I plan out my diet and how much I could potentially lose by Christmas. I think about J and how much he loves me even though I don't look my best and haven't looked my best for a long time. And anyway I am basically consumed with thoughts of my appearance and my body. I knew going into this that I was giving up my body to make another human being, which...hello! Is awesome. Amazing. A miracle really. But I will be very happy to get my body back and work on getting it into the shape I want it to be in again. Until then, I will just try and deal with my less than decent appearance as I wear the biggest clothes I have that still don't cover my stomach all the time.

Mom leaves tomorrow. I am trying not to think about it. Tomorrow is going to be a really, really hard day. That's all I can say right now about that.

I got some Halloween decorations today and it made me really excited for Halloween and for my little baby to experience his first Halloween. It's my second favorite holiday (after Christmas, of course) and I can't wait to share it with him. I love fall.

But I love the fact that I am going to have a baby soon even more.

Asking Nicely...

I am not a person that likes to be told what to do. I am a pretty independent person that likes to explore and figure out how to do things on my own...unless I ask you for help. I don't like it when people try to boss me (probably because I can be such a boss...just ask J, and my mom for that matter). I don't like it when people tell me there is a better way. I won't outright be rude about it, but if you ever tell me to do something a different way, don't be offended if I ignore you and decide to try it my own way...even if it is wrong and I will have to do it over again. It's not you. It's just how I am.

This whole past week we've been talking to the baby to try and get him to come out. But, this morning I realized we had been telling him to come out. Telling him it was time. I sat and thought about it and I realized, I probably have a stubborn little independent boy on my hands...just like his mom. So while he and I were waiting in the truck this morning for Mom to come out of the store I had a talk with him. I asked him very sweetly, "Please, baby. Please come out and see me soon?" Then I thought, maybe he might be a little frightened. Squeezing out a baby out of a relatively tiny hole probably is just as frightening to him as it is to me. So I reassured him that he and I would be going through this together. I would be doing it right there with him. And his dad would be there to help...and, if he so chooses to come while she is here, his grandma would be there to help too. I told him about all of the wonderful family and friends we have that love him so much already and can't wait to meet him (especially his Aunt Janessa).

Hopefully I got through to the little guy. Mom has been here one week and we have one week to go. No pressure. We tried figuring out what to do today, but all the ideas we came up with were too uncomfortable for me...I'm getting big (OK...I'm the size of a house...but it's getting to be a little more on the unmanageable side). So we told the baby we were really bored, and we needed him to come and play with us...or just sleep while we watch him. Pretty sure we'll take hours of our days doing that.

Turn Around...

Pretty much all last night beginning at around 8 I had contractions. They were pretty sporadic and not the gnarly, painful ones so I didn't time them or anything. I got really excited though thinking that even if this didn't bring on the "big show" it would at least move things along in the right direction.

Mom and I went to my appointment with my midwife, Janice, this morning where she checked me out. I am only 2-3 cm dilated and about the same effaced. I almost started crying. I know I still haven't gotten to my due date, but after all these signs I was just expecting much, much more. I started slipping into my discouraged, depressed, "I want my baby now" state and was talking to Mom about it. We decided that instead of stressing out about it (which would only make things worse) we would just have fun and enjoy the time together. We know that we got our answer that she was supposed to come. Why? We don't know yet, but Heavenly Father knows and we are trying to continue to exercise that faith and not doubt. I also thought how sad would it be to have this wonderfully awesome pregnancy and spend the last little bit of it depressed about how he hasn't made his appearance yet. So instead of moping about and going to bed every night thinking, "This is the night," I am just going to put it all in the Lord's hands and trust in His timing. He knows what's best, and I can handle waiting for the perfect time for my little guy to come.

Tender Mercies

My last post, I was pretty down and out. I was really upset that my mom wasn't going to be able to be here for the delivery and I was just not feeling good about anything.

I talked to my mom later again that day and she said she really felt she should come down. The whole problem was she can only stay for two weeks because of work. If she came too soon, and the baby didn't come, she may not have enough time, if any time at all, with the baby. So we talked some more and we decided that we hadn't really been praying about what we should do the right way. We had just been asking Heavenly Father what we should do, not making a decision and taking it to Him. So we decided that she would come that night, and then we would take our decision to Heavenly Father and see how we felt. Immediately after I talked to her on the phone, I went and knelt by my bed and prayed. After I was done praying, I stayed there for a little while and just waited to see how I felt. Immediately I felt peace and the phrase, "Wherefore did you doubt?" came into my mind. I knew I had gotten my answer before that she should come, but I let the doubts creep in. After I was done, I went to the bathroom and I lost my plug. It felt like a total reassurance that Mom was supposed to come and that this was our answer from Heavenly Father. I called her and before I even told her what happened she said, "I feel really strongly that I should come." I told her what happened and it just made me so grateful for answers to prayers. Another reassurance that our Father in Heaven loves us and watches out for us.

I am not saying that I am going to go into labor today or tomorrow...that is still obviously in the Lord's hands, but I know that my mom was supposed to come on Friday. It's been great having her here. Yesterday we went and ran errands and got a lot of stuff done...and walked, well, waddled to try and help move things along. Today I had this insane urge to clean my entire house. It was just not clean enough. Mom helped a ton, and after we were done, we cleaned the truck (which was in dire need). Not exactly good Sabbath day activities, but I had to do it (nesting right?). Not only has she helped me check things off my list, but it's been great just being able to talk and have fun with her. J has been working crazily trying to get the crib done and everything else he has to do on his list, among those things are building a new computer, which has taken up a lot of his time when he isn't working on the crib. We haven't had a lot of time together lately and I understand his desire to get things done so he doesn't have to worry about it when our little guy comes...I've been doing it too. I was starting to get pretty lonely though because I could only do so much, and he would just keep going, and going, and going. It's been a blessing having Mom here for company so J can get his stuff done without me bugging him for attention (which I do quite often).

I am so grateful for family. I am so grateful for answers to prayers and the "tender mercies" of the Lord. With the exception of Friday morning, I've felt like the windows of Heaven have been opened and we have just been in a downpour of blessings. I love having the knowledge I have of the Gospel and the knowledge that my Heavenly Father and the Savior love me and know my needs. Life is just amazing.

And Then Again...

Maybe not.

Nothing. Not a single contraction. How does that happen? Frustration and massive impatience is setting in. And I blame it on J.

He is building the crib...which is amazing. Truly, I am so excited for it. But Jason keeps telling the baby that he can't come till it's done. I said, "J. The baby isn't going to sleep in the crib for the first little while anyways." And J said, "Yeah, but I don't want to be working on the crib once he is born. I'm going to want to be around him." Understandable. Good point. Sweet even...kinda melted my heart a bit. But...I'm selfish. And waddling...a LOT. I want this baby in my arms and I want him now.

I woke up and told J that I hadn't felt anything last night and he laughed and said, "I know! (insert typical J giggle here.)" So I replied, "You didn't know. And what's so funny?" To which he replies, "I Jedi-mind tricked him into staying in there 'til the crib was done." What a turd.

I told my mom about my lack of contractions, etc. and she and I decided that she isn't coming tonight and she is just going to wait until the baby comes. I am really sad now. I got the guest room ready yesterday and I thought about being able to pick my mom up from the airport (if I wasn't in labor) and I was so excited. And I thought about having her at the hospital with me and about her being able to see her first grandchild brought into this world. How awesome would that be??

I should stop whining. I know it's all on Heavenly Father's timing whether J Jedi-mind tricks our baby or not. So I just keep praying really, really hard that Heavenly Father's timing might coincide with mine...just this once. I'm guessing that my lack of contractions and anything really for the matter was a solid, "No." I'm also pretty sure that the fact that it's LABOR Day weekend is kind of a cruel joke if I come out of it with my baby still in utero.

Contractions...

Surges, waves, whatever you want to call them. I felt them.

I went to the Dr. on Tuesday for my regular visit and they checked me out to see if I was effaced or dilated at all. I was fully expecting to not be anything. At the most, just a little effaced. I hadn't felt a single contraction, Braxton Hicks or otherwise, and had only experienced mild, mild crampiness the week before. The Doc checked me out (what an O so pleasant experience...not) and told me, with a surprised look on her face, that I was 80% effaced and about 1-2 cm dilated! What?! I was thrilled...am thrilled.

And so it began-- the wondering, waiting, and especially over-analyzing every tiny feeling. I know some women stay like that for weeks, so I was trying not to get too excited (that didn't last very long). I was all excited that day and night. I woke up several times in the middle of the night to see if I was having any kind of contraction at all. Many of those times, I would try to "Jedi mind trick" myself into having contractions or having my water break...but to no avail. I woke up with no baby.

Last night, more signs came that I am getting this baby out sooner rather than later (some of them fall into the TMI category so I won't share). I woke up several times in the middle of the night to contractions...radiating throughout my lower abdomen and my back. It was just a lot of pressure, no pain really. I didn't wake J up because I knew these weren't the contractions...this was just a practice run, and they went away by about 6 in the morning. I told my mom all the things that I experienced, and she decided she is going to fly in tomorrow. She is convinced that this baby is coming by the end of this weekend. I will probably eat my words, but I think he will be here between Saturday and Tuesday. Should we open up a betting pool?

Can you tell patience was never my strong point? Cross your fingers and say a little prayer for me. :)