A positive pregnancy test.
I still look at this picture in amazement. After a year and a half of looking in similar windows on similar pregnancy tests and seeing only one line or "not pregnant," this picture throws me off a bit. I can't describe how excited I am...I really don't think there are words for it. It is surreal. There is a baby in my belly. I am growing my child. Wow. This whole experience is extremely special to me now especially because I have grown closer to my Savior and my Heavenly Father and have learned some important lessons.
I originally thought that Heavenly Father was trying to teach me patience, as patience is not a virtue I naturally possess. I would take a pregnancy test occasionally (OK...maybe more than occasionally...pretty sure pregnancy test stocks went up quite a bit due to my many purchases) and even before I would take the test, I would imagine the test being a negative. My motto has always been, "Hope for the worst and the best can always happen." I never had hope. I had faith that it would. I had been promised this. I knew I would have children one day. But I never had hope that that day would be this day. I never understood hope and the power of it.
Finally, after a little over a year, I finally started catching on. Yes, I am sure part of my lesson was patience (which I have to admit, I honestly don't think I learned much of), but I think the better part of what I was supposed to learn was hope. I started praying for it. I started praying for the hope I would need and for my Father's will do be done. He is 1,000,000 times (more than that) smarter than me and He knows what is best for me. Learning to rely on Him was something I needed help with. My attitude started to change and Heavenly Father blessed me with an understanding of His will and of hope and the important role it plays in our lives.
I had been taking Clomid (a fertility drug) for two months and so I knew my cycle was pretty regular. I had marked down the day that I was going to take my pregnancy test (my birthday) and was filled with hope that this would be it. But the day before my birthday, I was at the mall with my parents and my brother (who happened to visiting) and I thought I had started (it was barely anything, but any sight of that and my heart falls through the floor). I was sad, dejected, hopeless. But then, this little voice just whispered to me, "Have hope. Be hopeful." And I did. And it changed me. I didn't have any more signs the rest of the day and in the morning, I took that test.
I was in my bed with my hubs when I found out. What an amazing feeling of elation. I couldn't believe my eyes. I looked at that test and started crying hysterically and showed J and he just held me while I cried those awesome tears of joy. I cry thinking about it.
Before my parents and my brother left my dad, brother, and husband gave me a blessing to bless me and to bless my baby. I am grateful to know that I can rely on the power of the priesthood and have faith in that blessing and know that me and my baby will be fine.
I have since been able to see my baby. I saw my baby's heart beat, I heard it. I don't know how anyone could know about the miracle of birth and not believe in God. I don't understand it.
I have been feeling really tired, and sick occasionally. Eating is very temperamental: I have to eat the right amount of the right thing at exactly the right time or else I get sick. But, I have nothing to complain about. Eating is temperamental because my body is telling me what and when to feed my child. I am tired because I am giving up my energy to grow my baby. I have thrown up, and even while I was throwing up, I was OK, because this was because there is a baby in me. I love being pregnant. And yes, I am still in the first trimester and everyone says, "Just wait till you are out to here and you are so uncomfortable you just want to get that baby out." I can honestly tell you I will still love being pregnant because I am pregnant. Yes, it's not all wonderful, I am aware of that (and am quite aware of that when I throw up), but I have waited for what felt like forever to be able to say I am pregnant and every pain and every sickness that comes my way makes me happy because it's a reminder that I have what I have waited a long time for: a baby.
Thank you all for all your support in what's been a bigger trial in my life. I am so grateful for friends and family who I know I can rely on. I will keep you posted as much as possible and would have uploaded my ultrasound but my scanner won't scan it correctly. :(
Here is a poem that I often think about when I think about the importance of hope. Maybe it will help someone else as it has helped me.
Walking with Two Sisters
By Larry HillerFaith walks before me,
Holding up her lamp
As I try not to stumble in the ink-dark hours before the dawn.
Her light illuminates
One step and then another.
Beside me, Hope, arm linked with mine, encourages and steadies.
Sometimes in the tedium,
Distracted by the pain,
My mind begins to wander, then my feet. I hesitate.
Unsure, I look to Hope.
Her hand takes mine.
The touch reminds me of another hand held out to me,
One pierced and scarred
Yet oh so tender
Lifting me and blessing me when I had fallen and despaired.
I move ahead
Buoyed up by Hope, who sees the end with perfect clarity.