The Second Wife

So J asked me the other day what my plan would be if he died. After making him realize this was purely hypothetical (he has already promised me he isn't going to die) I told him what I had figured I would do which would be to try and get rid of whatever we have down here, move home, buy a home with the life insurance money, and try to either go to school with what was left, or just get a job. He hounded me with questions (I guess he didn't like my answer), but he never brought up the re-marrying. Probably because I've told him several times that I honestly don't think I could remarry. Obviously, I am not in that position and never ever want to be, but I can't see it. I can't see anyone that could ever compare or even anyone that could just put up with me and my craziness. Plus, what J and I have is forever...I don't take that lightly and having that perspective makes me think I would be strong enough to live the rest of my life without someone. Like I said, I hope I never have to find out. I always say, "God won't give me more than I can handle," but I never really know if I can handle it until God gives me that trial. I am definitely not asking for it...I don't want to find out, but we never know what God has in the plan for us.

I read a blog post this morning from a man who recently lost his wife who was the mother of his six children. We've joked around about and I would "half" kid with him that he couldn't remarry when I die. I would just be too jealous (yes...I have a horrible problem with the green monster). I thought about me, in the Spirit World, looking down on a different woman raising my kids, being loved by my husband, living the life I was supposed to live, and...even the thought hurt. But lately my attitude toward that has been changing. Heaven forbid I did die, I love J enough to put my own selfishness aside and hope that he does find someone to share the rest of his life with (I most likely won't be happy about it). Having this little one puts it into even a bigger perspective. He needs a mom. But then I thought...maybe I will have reached some sort of enlightenment when I die and I won't look at it that way. Maybe I will be rooting for a certain woman I want my husband to be with. Someone I know would take care of him and my children. Would I want her to be someone like me? Probably not. I would want her to be better...but a little less attractive (OK maybe a lot less...I still want him to love me more).