It's A Wonderful Life

Why I Haven't Blogged for Four Months...

2012-01-22T20:57:00.000-07:00

The day before we left for Alaska, I decided it would be a good idea to take a pregnancy test so I could know in case we wanted to do something I shouldn't while being pregnant...

Ta Da! Two very positive pregnancy tests. We had been trying for a few months because we wanted to get an early start in case it was going to take us a little longer like it did with Jake, but no way! This baby decided he didn't want to wait as long as his brother did. It took me a good, long time to really wrap my head around the fact that I was pregnant. The whole time we were on our cruise, we would talk about it or mention something about it and it would just feel totally surreal--like we were just pretending instead of it actually happening.

It started to "feel" real once we got home and week 6 hit. Wowza. Any foul smell that hit my nose (foul smells are quite abundant when you have a bionic nose and a one year old in diapers running around) and I hit the ground running to the nearest spot with a drain to "expel" all the contents of my stomach. Poor Jake watched more TV than I should care to divulge and poor Jason had to say good bye to any bit of attractive part of his wife (vomiting all day long and living with a constant surge of hormones wreaking havoc on the mind would turn anyone into a beast, I am sure of it). The upside to being sick for four months straight? Great weight loss! However, not a diet I would recommend to anyone.

I thank God every day for a tiny little pill called "Zofran" because that is the only thing that worked to help ease my nausea and get rid of the multiple trips to the sink/toilet every day. My "morning" sickness (Who named it "morning" sickness???) finally abated last week (week 23 of my pregnancy) and I have been four days without Zofran as of today.

I am just now wrapping my head around having two little boys running around. I am grateful the gestation period is 9 months because I definitely need that time to adjust to it. I am so excited to be having another one, especially a boy to be best buds with Jake, but having two kids is going to be an adjustment (obviously) and saying good bye to just Jake and I time will be hard, but worth it I know. The longer time goes on, and the closer I get, the more excited and less anxious I am.

Baby boy is healthy and kicking up a storm. I think he is going to be quite the mover and shaker. We have had a few ultrasounds so far, the first when he was 8 weeks, the second when he was 19 weeks (when we found out he is a he) and then the latest one when he was 21 weeks. They found a cyst in his brain at the 19 week ultrasound and wanted to investigate further to see if their were other signs of possible disorders. The 21 weeks ultrasound revealed that he is a very healthy and strong baby. We got some of the 3D sonogram shots from that and those are sweet. I always found them a little creepy before, honestly, and some of the shots were still a little creepy because he doesn't have a lot of baby fat yet, but seeing his face and just seeing a live person in there was really amazing.

The boys will be 20 months apart. Some people I tell that to look at me like I am crazy, but I think it will be good. Not saying it won't be hard, but J and I always wanted our children to be close. My brothers and I were close in age and I really liked it. I am sure it was hell on my mom for awhile, but I asked her about it and she said she wouldn't have had it any other way.

Here are some shots of the little guy. The ultrasound tech thought it was hilarious how he flashed off his goods to the world, but was givin' us a hard time of getting a good shot of his face.

Alaska Part 2 (Yeah...4 months late. I know.)

2012-01-22T20:22:00.001-07:00

So basically, I am not going to provide a lot of explanation to these pictures. Four months of blogging to catch up on = little time for talk. So if you have questions, go ahead and ask and if you want to see

more pictures, go ahead and come over! :)

(Not part of the Alaska adventure, but I had to include a picture of the "Stache" for posterity's sake.)

Alaska Part 1...and a Little Sentimentality From a First Time Mom.

2011-09-20T20:11:00.000-07:00

ALASKA. We got back Sunday and were wiped out (I am still wiped out, but had to start this or it would never happen). We left from Seattle on our cruise and "cruised" (you don't say "sailed" do you?) to Juneau, then down to Skagway, then we went through Glacier Bay National Park, then Ketchikan, and the last stop before returning to Seattle was Victoria, B.C. I am only doing these pictures tonight because my computer is being stupid and my patience today has been used up by a less than happy baby. :) I will keep blogging until we get through all the pictures though! Don't worry, you won't miss a thing. ;)

Gramama Kim went with us to watch Jake and she had so much fun with "Nakey Jakey" :D We were very happy to have her with us!

Happy Feet! He was the best baby ever on this trip. Slept like a champ, napped like a champ, and ate like a...you guessed it, pig. ;)

Some islands on the way to Juneau. The pictures really don't do these justice. :(

"What's your angle, boy?"

So cute!!! There will be many, many pictures of this little guy! I just couldn't get enough of his cuteness!

For. REAL. How much cuter could you get??

{Heart is melting}

Me and my lover

So everything on the ship was basically saying we were in Nassau. (^Case in point.) I think they were very confused. The pool was even outside and it wasn't heated....that was a big bummer. Who wants to go swimming when it's 35 degrees outside and the water is fr-fr-fr-freezing??

So precious.

Juneau. They had flags flying everywhere. I loved it.

Juneau from now on...until otherwise noted. :)

The salmon were spawning around this time, and after they spawn, they die. So the areas around water smelled disgusting and you could see dead, rotting fish everywhere. That was pretty gross.

The town was built up into the mountains and it was a super steep mountain.

This one's for you, Kylene! Sarah Palin. :D

Sidewalk chalk. I thought the face was cool...never seen sidewalk chalk so detailed.

Mural on a government building. We were showing our friends these pictures and one of them asked, "Is that guy naked?" To which J quickly replied, "You would be too if you were coming out of an oyster shell." Ha ha ha


Beautiful fall colors

This sums up the Alaska pictures for tonight. There will be much more of Juneau, but I am not feeling well and I wanted to write a quick sentimental note.

One year ago today, I was in labor...the most painful, gratifying, and spiritual experience of my life. It's crazy to think that it's been a year and that baby that I birthed September 21st, 2010 at 2:18 a.m. is now more little boy than baby, who walks, talks, signs, gives hugs, blows kisses, and tries to escape through the dog door any chance he gets. I am so blessed to be a mother and thinking about those beautiful moments when I touched his head and held him close to my "outside body" for the first time brings tears to my eyes. Being a mom is the best gift that Heavenly Father has ever given me and even on days when I am ready to pull my hair out with frustration and exhaustion, I am filled with an inner peace that cannot be extinguished because of this blessed gift.

I love you to the moon and back, Jake.

Guessing Game...

2011-09-07T22:12:00.002-07:00

Guess why I am going to be one happy girl in less than 4 days. Here are the clues:


This +

This =

This

Happiness Is...

2011-09-06T20:32:00.001-07:00

Taking an afternoon snooze with Dad.

Getting to play with the remote!

Figuring out how to move a shoe box to be able to get up on the TV stand.

Eating cherries "Nakey Jakey" style!

Playing with bubbles for the first time.

Playing in the shower...with your clothes on!!!

Finding a door just your size...

Eating the furniture.

Attacking Mom while she is trying to take a picture!

Eating raisins...

And unknowingly getting them stuck on your cheek.

Attacking Mom again while she is trying to take a picture!

Crawling under the high chair first thing in the morning.

Having a green bean goatee.

Just eating "Nakey Jakey" style in general.

Watching "Signing Time" real up close and personal.

Wearing your favorite hat.

Again...eating naked!

Crawling at the speed of light!

And wearing your awesome hat backwards while doing it.

Taking a quick breather.


Getting to play with the spoon and sweet potatoes!

I just love my little man.

Sleeeeeep

2011-09-05T23:18:00.002-07:00

That just deleted my entire post. Grrrr.

Happiness is sleep. I have been awake since 5:51 this morning...for many reasons, but the main being i have tried every pillow in this house and all of them hurt. I think the reason being they are all too firm. any pillow suggestions? Where? What? Don't say memory foam...ouch.

Happiness Is...

2011-09-02T22:45:00.000-07:00

Happiness is being able to shop from the comfort of your own home instead of going into the 110+ degree weather with your wee bedlamite in tow. O Amazon! How I love thee!

I purchased the items below a couple of days ago and remembered again today. What a happy memory that was. (Sigh)

1. Caruso Steam Roller Set: Very excited about this. Very. Excited.

2. Rosin for my Violin Bow: I haven't bought new rosin (pretty essential to a good sound) since my parents bought my violin (that was 10 years ago).

3. Strings for my Violin: Dominant strings for domination. Yes.

Heat Stroke Prevention...

2011-09-01T21:14:00.000-07:00

This ugly, unassuming piece of equipment has been my dearest worldly possession as of late:

J and I figured out that Phoenix has had 81 consecutive days of heat over 100 degrees Fahrenheit with the exception of one day which topped out at 98 degrees. After driving home from a friend's house the other day, I realized that I can't take anymore trips out in the heat that take over 15 minutes until it cools off some (what feels like right around the end of never). I pulled Jake out of his car seat, red cheeked and completely soaked with sweat. I felt awful. I just can't do that to him anymore. We went swimming the other day with Jake and had a blast. The first time we've been swimming all summer. It was magical. I even wore my new bathing suit:

Thank you ModCloth.

Beaters From Heaven...

2011-08-31T22:27:00.001-07:00

These little babies made me really happy today. With the help of these now multi-purpose tools, Jake was occupied through 70% of dinner time which meant I was able to eat about 70% of my dinner without interruption. Aaaaah. Bliss.

The Little Things...

2011-08-30T12:07:00.000-07:00

In an attempt to keep somewhat of a "Tender Mercies" journal (as I enjoy so many tender mercies), every day for the next 30 days I am going to try and post something that made me happy that day.

One big thing that has been on my mind a lot that I am immensely grateful for and makes me smile every day:

Families. Are. Forever.

My brother's 8 year "death anniversary" (how do you say that???) came and went this year on August 9th. I can't believe that 8 years has passed since I have seen him. I tried remembering his voice the other day and after much fishing around up there, I finally caught a snippet of sound. Ouch. That hurt. Time can be cruel sometimes. I am so grateful to know that not only will I see him again but that we will be sealed together forever because my parents made that righteous decision, and not only that, but I will be able to have my family together with me forever: my husband. My son. How grateful for I am for that tender mercy and God's great plan of happiness.

Miss you, Ty.

Drawing on the Powers of Heaven

2011-07-19T21:28:00.000-07:00

Everyone. And I mean EVERYONE needs to read this book.

I was blessed with the gift of my testimony. I never had to really work for it. I always knew that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was and is true. I didn't have to read and pray for hours...I just knew. And I can't express how grateful I am for this gift. My testimony has gotten me through countless dark moments in my life and I know I would not be where I am today without it.

However, with this strength that Father in Heaven has blessed me with, I have developed many weaknesses. I lack understanding in a lot of areas because I never had to work for that understanding. I also lack in a lot of areas such as being consistent with my daily prayer and scripture studies. Over the past few years, these areas in which I lack have proven to be a stumbling block in my spirituality. I have often struggled with developing a real relationship with Heavenly Father. Whenever I prayed, my prayers were monotonous, and repetitive. I didn't know how to really have a conversation with Him. And I never really understood faith and the power that it could have in my life.

Enter Drawing on the Powers of Heaven by Grant Von Harrison. This book (a mere 90-something pages) has been teaching me the power of faith and how to apply it, strengthening my spirituality, and basically has been changing my life. You may be thinking, "Wow. That's a bit dramatic, don't you think?" But it's not. I feel for the first time in my life that my prayers are meaningful and effective. I am and have always been a very independent person. To a fault. I never let myself really ask God for help. I am finally (after way too many years) learning how to ask the Lord for the things I desire and to rely on Him and have faith that He will help me realize my righteous desires. The principles taught in this book are real and powerful.

I highly recommend this book to everyone. It will help you greatly in so many areas of your life.

Here is the description on Deseret Book (not currently available on Deseret Book, but it is available on Amazon.com):

The powers of heaven are very real and can dramatically influence the course of events in a person's life. In our relationship with Deity, the powers of heaven include any influence or power (inspiration, gift of the spirit, power of the priesthood, etc.) which is governed by God and operates in our behalf. A study of the scriptures reveals that the ways the powers of heaven can assist mortal men are virtually unlimited.

Exercising the faith required to call upon the powers of heaven involves a very specific process. In order to be proficient at exercising faith, you must understand the process thoroughly and then learn to apply the process in your daily pursuits. These tapes will help you understand the process required to pull down the powers of heaven to bless your life. When you successfully follow this process, you will be able to call upon the powers of heaven to assist you in realizing your righteous desires.

Horrid Blogger

2011-06-24T12:48:00.001-07:00

That would sum me up. I am extremely inconsistent and inattentive to this blog o' mine. Sorry folks, I just wasn't cut out for this blogging world. You take what you can get, right??

Nothing really exciting going on in my life, other than a few fun events, that doesn't pertain to my handsome little boy; (Who is so much more little boy than baby these days. If I had to assign a ratio, I'd say 75% little boy, and 25% baby.) therefore, this update will mainly be about Jake, and I will work on other posts about fun stuff that's been going on. I think the easiest and quickest way to do this will be bullet points (Jake probably has about 20 minutes of nap time left...we gotta get a move on):

Jake has a total of 3 teeth on the bottom row now and is going to cut more very soon...he is just in cranky teether mode so it's gotta be soon (please let it be soon!!!)
He crawls all over, but he still loves to army crawl more so when he feels like he needs to go fast (e.g. when I see him heading towards the dog food and tell him to stop) he drops to his belly and army crawls on over. That boy can move!
He loves to walk by hanging on to our hands. He has recently taken to more of a running pace.
Jake "cruises" all over and pulls himself up onto everything. He is also figuring out how to climb on things. Unfortunately, he hasn't yet grasped the concept of gravity so he has taken quite a few spills. I am very grateful I am not overly protective and am okay with him taking a few tumbles every now and then.
He says "Mama (!!!)," "Dada" and "dah-dah-dah-" (dog) while signing "dog."
Jake loves to feed the puppies from his high chair and every time he does, he looks up at me like, "I wasn't doin' anything...not me..."
He has the funniest mischevious grin that gives me. I know it means trouble, but I can't help but laugh every time he flashes that grin.
He is the biggest flirt and has tons of little girlfriends at church. He talks to them, and smiles at them, and they hold hands. It's hilarious. My little Cassanova.
He is slowly growing out of his "just Mom" stage but he still prefers me if he is super tired or if he has taken one of his little tumbles.
We took him to the Dr. for his 9 month check up and he weighs 17.9 lbs., is 28 1/2 inches long, and his head is 17 1/2 around. I was explaining to the Doc about Jake waking up in the middle of the night 2 or 3 times a week and just screaming and being totally unresponsive to anything I do for about a half hour. He told me he suspected night terrors and what to do about it. He suggested we wake him up about 15 minutes before they usually occur to break the sleep cycle. Jason and I have loved doing this. We get to try and wake him up from a dead sleep, which means he is much more cuddly than he usually is. His head lolls around and his eyes roll in the back of his head trying to sleep while we try and get him to wake up. It is so adorable and we are going to be very sad when we don't have to do it anymore. It has been working though and he hasn't had one in a couple of days. Let's hope it keeps working.

Other than just him being his cute little handsome self, that about sums up what's been going on in his world.

Here are some pictures of the little guy and all the fun we've been having lately:

(Forgive the excess of pictures...it's too hard to choose just one...)

Signing Time with Riley

J's birthday, April 29th

Playin' in the pool outside

J experimenting with water...

Too much! Too much!

He is ok as long as he can chew on something.

In his Dad's old suit :)

Jason is the best dad ever...he just couldn't be more thrilled about his little boy

Skyping with Gramama Kim and Papa Chris. I got him to look by holding my paper holder above the web cam. haha

Hangin' out while I cook

First time in any kind of swing

Very relaxing for him. He kept nodding off and then waking himself up with a jerk. Hilarious.

Wearing his Mom's sunglasses haha

Eating at Gramama Kim's house.

Asleep in the car in Montana

Next Purina Dog Chow spokesperson?? I think so.

A Plea for Help...

2011-04-26T23:31:00.000-07:00

I have hit frump city. Slump town. Whatever you wanna call it. I may as well be the mayor of both places. Every morning I wake up, look at the clothes in my closet, and decide to wear yesterday's make up, a messy bun, and sweatpants (I rarely bother with shirts anymore). Working at home, this doesn't pose a problem for the outside world (poor J has to deal with it though). But I can't help but feel like I am 50 lbs. heavier and 20 years older than I actually am. So...I need help.

I am in need of a bit of a make over. I am planning on doing some shopping to revamp my wardrobe a bit (namely getting attractive pieces that fit my post-pregnancy body that I am coming to love). I also need some hair idea. I do not want to take off length, but I need styling ideas or other such things.

Help? Please. You are my (actually mine and J's) last hope.

Miracle Diet...

2011-04-25T11:30:00.001-07:00

I am sitting here, typing this, 8 pounds lighter than I was last week. "How?!" I am sure is the question that is on everyone's mind. Well, let me tell you. It's a little thing I like to call...the stomach flu.

Round 1:

It's Wednesday morning, 6 am (Jake has been torturing me with a 6 am wake up call the past few days). I roll out of bed to go get my baby, but have to switch directions. "O crap! I can't be sick, I can't be sick, I can't be sick. We leave tonight!" In case you haven't figured out my luck, this would happen. {Enter toilet}

Frantic about how much stuff we have to do (pack, work, DRIVE over night) I complain to Jason for a good hour and stress myself out even more (like that ever has helped anyone in the history of the world). 11 o'clock rolls around and I am done. I wasn't getting any work done between going to the bathroom every 15 minutes and complaining about it all, I wasn't getting packed, etc. After one final trip to the bathroom I ask J for a blessing. {Enter miracle} I don't get sick the rest of the day. Still nauseous, still threatening to have to use that cursed toilet again, but don't. I make it through the long night of driving (or riding rather...I think I drove the last two hours). We arrive in Utah where food somewhat repulses me, but I eat anyways and still feel nauseous for the duration of the weekend. Luckily, I have many wonderful distractions to keep my mind off of it (baby shower, seeing family I haven't seen in a long time, watching my sister in law and brother in law get sealed, etc.). Unfortunately, J gets sick Thursday night. Luckily, it only lasts the night, but Jake happens to cry the entire night in the hotel. Up all night and becoming increasingly frustrated, I am still trying to recover from being sick with almost no sleep (you try sleeping in a tiny Toyota Corolla stuffed to the brim and tell me how successful you are). After it all, we survive and make it home after a ROUGH night of traveling with now four adults and a baby in the Toyota Corolla (J's parents came to visit after). (Did I mention I got a lovely visit from that "Friend" that visits once a month when you're not nursing? Even though I still am...?)

Round 2:
The sickness is passed around and around and around. J's mom gets it the worst the day after getting home from Utah. She is in bed all day with my little nephew who has also gotten it. Tuesday morning rolls around. {Enter toilet, bed, and "Gone With the Wind"} 6 days later, 8 pounds lighter, stomach half the size, and finally getting to the point where I can look at food the same way again, I have survived. Somewhat in tact, and with 8 more gray hairs than I started out with. (Did I mention I was stressed??)

I am pretty sure I haven't had a more stressful trip in my entire life. But it was a good trip...for the most part. It was wonderful going back to the temple where I was sealed, and meant so much more now that we have Jake. I learned a lot from the Sealer that was performing my SIL's sealing and I despite being crazy sick, I am so glad we were able to go and partake in the spirit of the weekend.

Spring is in the air. I feel silly saying that because you'd think Spring would have withered and died in the 90+ degree weather we have been experiencing. And actually, when you step outside, that is exactly what it feels like. But if I don't go outside, and I sit under the fan, and I just look outside, I can pretend it's 50-55 degrees out and that in some places other than my back yard, the snow is melting and there aren't lizards in the back yard. (Or dead in my house, courtesy of one of my speedy puppies.)

Two of the four pictures taken by us this trip:

I hope everyone's Easter was wonderful. Mine was full of reflection, peace, and joy. Here's why.

P.S. "Gone With the Wind" was a serious waste of almost 4 hours of my life. Not a fan.

Videos!!!

2011-03-30T13:10:00.001-07:00

So I know it's been a LONG time, but you all know how it is. Jake is getting to be a very active baby and I just don't have the time I used to (which I just LOVE). So here are some quick updates, some pictures, and a few videos for your viewing pleasure:

Jake eats some food now! He eats rice cereal, oatmeal, prunes, sweet potatoes, carrots, squash, and yesterday tried green beans for the first time (to see how that went...watch below).
He doesn't have any teeth yet, but continues to teethe like crazy. Poor little guy has been having a bit of a rough time with that lately.
Jake rolls around everywhere and also "inches" around everywhere. He brings his butt up and then scoots forward...it's adorable! He hasn't figured out how to get on his hands and knees at the same time yet, but I am sure he will be doing that and then crawling all too soon.
He sits up fairly well, but he doesn't really like to.
At his 6 month check-up he weighed 15 lbs. 11 oz., was 26.5 inches tall, and his head was 16.5. He is growing great the doctor said and is still the perfect baby.
He laughs, but he does not like to be tickled and refuses to laugh when you try and tickle him. Jake doesn't just hand out laughs...you really have to earn them.
Jake loves to talk! He talks all the time when he is in a good mood.
Jake is an intense little boy. Whatever he does, he really puts all he has into it. This and his stubborn streak were the first things that started to come through in his personality.

We are just loving life over here. It's never been better. I can't believe my little bud is over half a year old!!! Time is flying by, but we are loving every minute of it.

I have no idea how to get these videos in here so here are the youtube links. You won't want to miss these!

Jake and Sam's First Fight
Jake Laughin' at Dad
Jake Laughin' at Mom
Jake Eating Green Beans for the First Time

Four Months (well 4 months and 11 days)...

2011-02-01T11:42:00.000-07:00

We went to see the good doctor yesterday and here are the stats:

Weight: 14 lbs. 5 oz., 25th percentile
Height: 25 inches, 45th percentile
Head: 16 inches, 10th percentile

I was a little shocked to say the least. His head is only in the 10th percentile?! I thought this kid had a good size melon. How could he not with a dad and a mom like us?? But, these are the facts. He sleeps on his side or his stomach most every night. Occasionally, I will wake up to a very angry baby who can't flip back over onto his back (still working on belly to back). It provides a pretty good chuckle at 4 in the morning. He has a favorite toy. Gramama Kim and Papa Chris got him a stuffed animal monkey for Christmas. Dad named him Magilla...and Jake LOVES to play with Magilla. His eyes light up every time he sees that thing. But I have a sneaking suspicion Jake thinks of him as more of an arch enemy. He wrestles with him and bites him, but, I can tell he definitely thinks of him as a worthy foe. Video of that to come later. Too cute.

O and one more thing:
Handsomeness: Extreme, 100th percentile

All dressed in Sunday best

We are trying to teach this boy from an early age: Just say no to crack...

Apparently, our lessons aren't sticking...

A Hike in the Desert...

2011-02-01T11:29:00.000-07:00

Saturday we went hiking up by Tortilla Creek. Our goal was to make it to Peter's Cave in Peter Canyon, but...a grumpy, teething baby caused us to turn back. I am definitely not a desert girl--I am fairly sure I am incapable of finding the beauty in cactus, poky bushes, and radioactive green water. But, it was nice and relaxing to spend a day outdoors with my two favorite boys.

The best view in the world.

Goals for the New Year...

2011-01-20T21:23:00.003-07:00

The new year. A time for reflections. A time for change. A time for bettering one's self. Every year, I think to myself, "I am not doing resolutions this year. I never stick to them. So, why bother?" This year, my attitude has changed. Everyone knows the best way to stick to your goals is to be held accountable for them. So I am posting them on my blog for everyone to see.

1. Motherhood
This year, I am dedicating myself to be the best Mom I can be to my little boy. I am resolving to spend less time on the internet, less time on the TV, and less time on the meaningless tasks I undertake.

2. Early to Bed, Early to Rise
I will get up earlier and go to bed earlier this year. I know I will be more productive and get more use out of my day if I stick to this goal. Hopefully up by 7:30, and to bed by 10:30 or 11.

3. Health
You all knew it was coming; however, I would like to focus more on the health aspect of things. I have given up sugar again and am planning to stick to it indefinitely. I notice such a huge difference when I stick to this. Also, I have been working on cutting my portions down as well as eating more fruits and veggies. Currently, I am in the midst of an 11-Week Healthy Habit Challenge and it is going very well so far. I feel great and I feel like I have been slightly more productive since starting it. Of course, I am female, and as such am programmed to be fixated on the number that stares back at me every time I step on the scale; therefore, my goal is to be 40 lbs. lighter. This would put me at what I remember to be my healthiest weight. I felt the best when I weighed that much and would like to get there again. I look forward to this year as one of the healthiest of my life.

4. Study
I am going to learn how to really study the scriptures. Up until now, I have been just reading and not really learning everything that I could be learning. Everyday. No excuses.

5. Pray
Everyday, I resolve to say my personal prayers. I need that direct line to my Father in Heaven.

6. Read
I have a goal to read a book every month. The criteria: has to be an educational book or a literary classic. I hope to eventually be able to really analyze and try to glean more from it than I would by just reading it.

7. Writing
I read my last blog post. I am slightly embarrassed about the elementary writing I exhibited in that post. I have always wanted to be an excellent writer, and I used to be a pretty fair one. However, my skills have been lacking as of late due to the lack of practice. My long term goal is to eventually write something and have it published...but that is years down the road. I am still figuring out some short-term goals to lead up to the long-term that is feasible.

8. Projects
I need more things to do. Many of you are probably laughing at me right now for saying that. I am a mom now, and soon (once Jake gets into the "moving" stages), I probably won't have as much time on my hands. My goal is to always be doing something and always developing my skills. I would love to have a project going on at all times, no matter how long it takes. My goal is to have at least one day a week that I will be able to work on it. The purpose for this goal is two-fold: (1) to be able to learn some new skills and get better at ones I already have and (2) to get to know myself, what I enjoy doing, and to keep me alive. I don't want to lose myself in being a mom. I want to be the best mom I can be, but I believe a key to that is to still retain myself in the midst of it. First project? Finishing the crib sheets.

9. Dinner
I resolve to make a healthy, home-made dinner at least 5 times a week. Period end.

10. Baby
I want my children to be no more than two years apart. I loved having brothers that were close to my age and I want my kids to experience that; therefore, I would like to get pregnant this year. No sooner than May (and that is definitely pushing it). Ideally, I would love around August or September, but we will see what the Lord has in store for us. We will be trying later this year and when we start trying, I would love to be at least 30 lbs. lighter, preferably more.

Long, LONG, Overdue...

2011-01-20T14:10:00.001-07:00

Where to start? I am just going to post some pictures and comment here and there. It's just been too long!

Thanksgiving:

We had "Rammekin Thanksgiving" this year. It was just the three of us so we made personal sized dishes of every dinner item on the menu. Including apple and pumpkin pies (so cute!).

Look at that little lattice top...adorable, right?

In between Thanksgiving and Christmas:

Jake rolled over on December 21st--the day he turned 3 months old. He rolled first from back to belly and just recently went from belly to back, although he still has some work to do on that direction. He has been teething forever, but right before we went home for Christmas I felt his bottom left tooth. It keeps going in and out, but I think any day it will completely cut. We will see! Here are a few pictures of Jake in between:

First time in the bumbo...not sure about it...

O yeah. He likes it. :)

Christmas:

We went home on the 23rd and were able to stay 'til the 2nd. It was a dream! Our family, the snow, the cold...heaven. Jake did great on the plane. The only time he cried was when he was hungry and I wasn't feeding him fast enough! We had so much fun with everyone and miss everyone sooooo much. J's sister and her family were able to come home from Oregon for Christmas. Jake just loves his cousins and they just love him. They gave him the nickname of "Polar Bears" and we still call him that now. I am not going to go into a lot of detail because I don't have time, but to sum it up, it was an awesome first Christmas with Jake, an awesome trip, and amazing people.

Jake loves his Uncle Nate.

There is Jake (that little gray blob) cuddled up to his cousin, Camrock.

Asleep with Aunt Kylene

Jake's Great Grandma Jewel. Jake has 4 great grandparents and 1 great-great grandpa still living. Pretty awesome.

Christmas Eve with Jake and two of his grandmas. :)

Four Generations. My great grandpa wasn't there that night or else it would've been 5 generations.

Grandma Jewel and Papa Bob.

Jake with his Papa Chris.

Christmas Eve and waiting for Santa to come.

Jake with Grandpa Kim, Christmas Morning.

Passed out after all the Christmas excitement.

The Bear Suit Aunt Kylene knitted Jake for Christmas. Holy cow...I have to look away. Too. Much. Cuteness.

"Polar Bears" with his cousins "Camrock" and "Bobba Fett"

Sleeping on Grandma Terry's lap.

Still asleep with Grandma and apparently, he is liking it! Thumbs up!

Chillin' with "Bobba Fett"

My Great Grandpa Carlton, Jake's Great Great Grandpa. Pretty special.

Jake with his 2nd cousin Damon. Only 6 weeks apart. It's amazing how fast they grow in just 6 weeks!

Jake with Grandma Char :)

Airplane ride with Aunt Kylene!

Jake with Gramama Kim and Great Grandpa Jerry

Jake and Papa Chris with their matching coats.

Jake with Great Aunt Mae.

The next few pictures are Montana. Mmmm. I love it.

After Christmas:

My brother Nate was able to come and visit us for a week and we had a blast. Jake loves his Uncle Nate...he especially loves to shower him with snot and spit when he sneezes. Pretty much every single time he would nail Nate with it. Nate was a good sport though. We miss having him around. J and him got to go on a pretty intense hike that Nate said was a lot of fun. We got to go and visit some friends from Nate's mission who live up in Show Low. That was great. I love meeting people from his mission. Nate was here for my birthday. We got to go shooting and we went out to dinner with a lot of my friends. It was a lot of fun. I will show you what I got for my birthday later... :) We also got Jake a "walker" thing that he loves to scoot around in. He has so much fun. Pretty much...life is just great over here. Here are some more pictures. Love you all!

The boys are wearing the outfits that we each got each other. Didn't plan it...thought it was really funny. :) This is my birthday dinner at Applebee's.

Duck feet socks Aunt Kylene knitted for him. :)

Jake got sick while we were in Montana. I had to get a picture of him coughing to document. It was sad, but he is a trooper!

He he :)

My birthday present. I am going to get my CCW and then...that's right. I'll be packin'.

Reflections on Motherhood...

2010-12-17T15:56:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've posted! My little baby Jake will be 3 months on Tuesday. 3 months?! It's just going too fast, but at the same time, I'm loving all the new little things he is doing. He smiles all the time and is really interactive now. His little personality is starting to come through and I just love discovering more about him each day. When he went in for his 2 month check up, he weighed 12 lbs 1 oz...so he obviously weighs more than that now. He is starting to roll over. He can go from his back to his side and then kinda leans towards his stomach, but hasn't flipped completely yet. He is definitely on his way though! I am just loving life as a mother and it's been such an awesome learning experience. I have learned a lot more about myself by being a mother and am so incredibly grateful to be given this precious gift. I've really been able to reflect on several things and I just wanted to write down some of the things I've learned:

1. I am a daughter of God. Just as I love my son, my Heavenly Father loves me (even more than I can comprehend as a mother). Just as I would do anything for my son's welfare and happiness, so would my Heavenly Father...and He has. He has provided a way back to him and has given us all the tools and resources we need.
2. Because my Heavenly Father loves me so much he sacrificed His Son for me. The 2nd day after we had gotten home from the hospital, I was reading my scriptures in Genesis where Abraham is asked to sacrifice his son. Finally, it clicked. The atonement means so much more to me now that I am a mother with a son of my own. I cannot fathom the anguish that our Heavenly Father experienced as He watched His Son suffer for the sins of mankind, but because He loves us all so dearly, He did.
3. Life is a gift. I used to be able to watch movies with violence and not really think much of it. Now...I can't stand it. The instant it appears, I start to cry. To be so callous and casual about such a precious gift literally makes me sick and hurts my heart. The sanctity of life has been ever present in my mind ever since Jake was born. I saw him take his first breath. I saw his heart beat. I felt him grow. After experiencing that, I realized that life is not something to take for granted. Every breath we take is a miracle and Jake is a constant reminder of that.
4. I am the best person to be the mother of my child. My self respect has grown so much these last few months. I have never felt more capable, confident, or beautiful in my life. I am constantly given inspiration by the Holy Ghost in regards to my son. I know what he needs when he needs it. I know if he is tired, or hungry, or has a stomach ache. I know what will make him feel better. I know how he wants to be held or what he wants to do. I just know. I still haven't lost all my weight and there are days when I feel less than beautiful, that's for sure, but overall, I know I am beautiful. My body is amazing. Sure, I may not be in shape and I may have stretch marks all over my body, but I look at those stretch marks and they are a reminder of who I am. I am a mom and everything that comes with that. My body was able to give life to another human being. My body continues to sustain life to that same little person. I have strong arms that can pick my son up and comfort him when he is sad. I have legs that can give my son an "airplane" ride and can go for walks. I have a mouth that smiles and eyes that receive the best smiles in the world. I am beautiful.
5. As a woman, my divine calling in life is to be a mother. The natural differences between men and women have never been more apparent to me. Jason is the best father. He cares so much for our son and his love is evident in everything that he does. But...he is not a mother. My inherent instinct to nurture and to care for this little person is so much more prevalent than J's instinct to nurture. I am so grateful for the different roles that men and women play. Through this experience it has made me so grateful for J's ability to make money for our family and his ambitious actions when it comes to the financial security of our family. He is the provider, I am the nurturer, and I could not be more happy about that. I love my life as a stay at home mom. I love taking care of Jake and running my household. I feel happiest and most capable when I am in that role.

My heart has been overflowing with gratitude for my life and the bounteous blessings it contains. Words really can't express how I feel. A brother in my ward gave a talk on gratitude around Thanksgiving and said something along the lines of, "Gratitude, like faith, isn't just a feeling...it's an action word. Just like faith without works is dead, so is gratitude." He then listed the things he was grateful for and commented on how he could show his gratitude to our Father in Heaven. I've been thinking a lot about that and trying really hard to apply it to my life. I have felt the blessings of gratitude ten-fold since I've been doing that. I hope that during this Christmas season we can continue to remember that "attitude of gratitude" we experienced at Thanksgiving and continue to apply it to our lives. I know that my Redeemer lives. I know that He was born of Mary in Bethlehem so many years ago, but His birth is still relevant to every human being who is living and has ever lived on this earth. I know He paid the price for our sins and I know because of that we have a way to return to our Father in Heaven who loves us beyond our human comprehension. I know that because of Him, I can have my family forever. May you all have a merry Christmas.

Love, Me

Newborn Shots

2010-11-16T13:43:00.000-07:00

My friend, Nichole with It's My Life Photography, is so dang awesome. She did my maternity shots and also took newborn shots of Jake when he was 2 weeks old. Here are some of my favorite. (These are all copyrighted and cannot be copied or borrowed. Thanks!)

More CUTE pictures!

2010-11-16T13:33:00.000-07:00

Because who wouldn't want to look at the cutest baby in the world?!

Love these moments.

A lady in our home ward made him this hat. I absolutely LOVE it.

Finally got some smiles on camera! Usually he won't smile for the camera, but he was extra happy this day!

Love this one. So sweet. (If you look at the next 3 pictures fast-ish, he kinda looks like he is dancing! haha)

He stands up all the time. He loves it. Most of the time you just have to balance him and he does the rest. He has got some strong little legs...just like his daddy.

Jake's Blessing Day

2010-11-16T13:21:00.000-07:00

That morning was CRAZY! I started feeding Jake about 20 minutes before we had to leave because he usually doesn't eat more than 15 minutes in the morning. He was experiencing a growth spurt however and ended up eating for 40 minutes!!! We got there just as they were finishing the opening hymn. Needless to say, I was a little stressed out. But wow. What a tender experience it was to see my husband take our son in his arms and give him a blessing. It was the most beautiful blessing I've ever heard and I will treasure that precious memory forever.

My little man.

Gramama Kim knitted him his blessing blanket. It's so special.

Our forever family.

3 generations of handsome Moss men.

Had to include this picture. J had changed into regular clothes and I made him change back into church clothes...but he decided to not change his pants. Haha

Meeting the Grandparents

2010-11-16T13:13:00.000-07:00

My parents got to come to visit on Halloween and stayed till November 4th. This is their first grandchild and it was so awesome to be able to see them interact with Jake. I knew my Mom would go ga-ga over him. She hopped into the truck at the airport and just immediately zoned in on him. I told dad that I thought we had lost her for the rest of the week! My dad also went ga-ga over him. He took pictures like crazy and brought him all kinds of gifts. It made me that much more grateful for my awesome parents now that they are awesome grandparents too.

How is she a grandma?! She looks like she could be my older sister!

Playin' with Gramama Kim

I tried sharing the best I could...but there were still moments I had to steal him for myself.

They match!

Jake looks SO MUCH like my dad. It was so evident while Dad was here. I would look over at him and he would have a certain look on his face and I would just feel like I was looking at Jake!


So cute.

The day my parents left, my in-laws came into town! Jake was being blessed that Sunday so they were able to come for that. My sister-in-law and her family were also able to come into town for the blessing, but I didn't get any pictures! :( (If anyone has any...I would love them! ) It was so awesome to have everyone in town and for Jake to meet some of his cousins. He just loved looking at them!

Nap time with Grandpa Kim

Grandpa Kim and Grandma Terry with Jake on his blessing day. Grandma Terry was such a HUGE help with the lunch we had after the blessing (thank you so much!!!).


Bath time with Grandma Terry! (It's no wonder Jake is so cute...he's got some good lookin' grandmas!)

Halloween

2010-11-16T12:56:00.000-07:00

O I just love Halloween and I was so excited to dress Jake up this year. Here are a few pictures from our holiday:

Ok...fruit salsa and cinnamon tortilla chips. Best ever. Mmmmm....my mouth is watering.

Hahaha Mummy dogs!

Jason didn't want to join in on our family costume...so I gave him a black eye and he went as a boxer. ;)

Jake sushi. Mmmm mmm mmm.

He wasn't happy about the idea of being eaten...

So I assured him we weren't going to and he calmed down right away.

Soy sauce and sushi! :D

We ended up having some friends over for the holiday. The decorations and food are for that. I had a lot of fun with the food and it was great to just relax and hang out.

My Favorite Room in the House...

2010-11-16T11:37:00.000-07:00

The amazing camo coat that my parents got him and the cutest little butt-flap pj's I've ever seen that my in-laws got him. He's pretty much got the coolest grandparents ever.

The Moose that my mother in law painted. Absolutely my favorite painting ever...and it fits so wonderfully in here!

The fishing creel that so conveniently holds my pump (two thumbs way, way up).

I cannot tell you how awesome it is to nurse in this thing. I feel like I am sitting on a cloud. This is my second favorite part about the nursery.

Those are Jason's cowboy boots and my Coon Skin Cap from when we were both wee ones.

The changing table (looks like I need to empty the trash...)

The catch of the day ;) And now...the moment you've all been waiting for...

THE CRIB!!!

Why, yes! Those are shotgun shell Christmas lights. (Pretty sure I flipped my lid when I saw these...how AWESOME!!!)

The mobile I made. They are attached to that fishing pole in the upper right hand corner.

My favorite part of the crib. I LOVE the knots and imperfections he left in. I think it gives it so much more character.

J made everything. This was all just a pile of wood before he started. It took him about 10 months, but a lot less in reality because he didn't work on it for 10 months straight. He differed from the plans he had in that he made the spindles himself, and he put that front panel on there. I am seriously amazed at how beautiful it turned out. My husband has some MAD skills.

A view from the inside. My mom and I made that sheet. I am still planning on making some kind of canopy thing and I still have two other sheets to finish sewing. I wanted them plaid because they are like the material on the inside of a sleeping bag.

The full finished crib. Still...just, wow.


The nursery (this was before the camo coat).

The end.

Coming Soon...

2010-10-28T09:55:00.000-07:00

The nursery post!!! J is done with the crib (!!!) and the nursery is put together and looks FANTASTIC! I love it!

Also coming soon...my parents (3 sleeps) and my in-laws (7 sleeps)! That is the reason the nursery post is not going to make an appearance for a little over a week. I want their first impressions of it to be in person...so it'll be a "Surprise! Doesn't this look awesome?!" kind of deal.

So basically, this post was written to torture you. :) Love you all!

The Cuteness That is Jake...

2010-10-21T23:01:00.000-07:00

J said I shouldn't add so many pictures that look the same. He said people might get bored. Really?? How could anyone get bored looking at this face?! I guess I am a little biased, but for real. (I have about 20 pictures that look almost just like this.)

Happy one month birthday, Jake! One month ago you came into my life and you've made me the happiest woman in the world.

We weighed him a few nights ago and he was weighing in at 9 lbs even! He fits into most all his 0-3 month clothes now and his newborn clothes are really snug. He loves to stare at the fan. Don't know what it is, but even if it's not on, he loves to look at it. He likes playing "This Little Piggy" with his toes. And...he loves me. He smiles at me all the time now...I can't get enough of it! :D

I am recovering great. I feel awesome...I have tons of energy most of the time and my tears seems to finally be feeling better. I have been getting really antsy and wanting to get out and do stuff and just get off the couch. Luckily, it has cooled off a bit so Jake and I have been able to go on some walks. I am excited to get back into some kind of exercise routine. That first week after he was born was awesome. I dropped 21 lbs like that. It was the best feeling ever...and then I plateaued and still have 20 lbs of baby weight to lose and about 30 lbs after that to get to my goal weight. Once I am cleared by my midwife, I am going to be doing some serious exercising. I am putting most of my focus on the exercise part because eating healthy is so hard for me right now! Hopefully that will come once I start working out again...I am always motivated to eat healthier when a work out kicks my trash.

My sister-in-law is coming to visit in a week, my parents are coming to visit in 10 days, and my in-laws and another one of my sister-in-laws and her family are coming to visit in two weeks! We are so looking forward to all of them getting to meet Jake and can't wait for them to get here. However, visitors be warned. After so many visitors and so many people wanting to hold him, I may get baby greedy and steal him for myself for extended periods of time. I am apologizing in advance. I will do my best, but after waiting this long for my little man, it's hard to not hold him all the time!

The Men in My Life

2010-10-12T14:33:00.000-07:00

Could I be any more blessed?! Look at these two. Priceless.

Jake is 3 weeks old today. Here's an update:

Jake loves his bouncer seat which makes life a little easier for me.
He likes when I sing him French songs. He calms right down if he's fussy. It takes him a little longer to calm down when I sing him the English songs.
Jake loves "tummy time." He moves his head around and gets it into the right position he wants and then just chills there. He can raise his head pretty high up while he's on his stomach.
His neck is insanely strong for being so young (I think). He can hold his head up for quite awhile!
If Jake is awake, his hands are almost certain to be constantly moving and pretty much always near his mouth. This make nursing quite an adventure sometimes.
He has amped up his angry cry. I need to record the intensity of it.
He is chunking out more! He is almost too big for his "Newborn" sized onesies now and fits in to most of his 0-3 month clothes.
Jake is getting more hair on the top and front of his head!
His thrush is gone! Yay!

Every day I look at him and I am so overwhelmed with gratitude that God would give me such a beautiful, precious gift. I love my life...and especially the men in it.

Two Weeks...

2010-10-07T13:30:00.000-07:00

Well now it's over two weeks, but I will give you the two week update.

We went and visited the pediatrician on Tuesday to get the update on Jake and make sure everything was kosher. (LOVE the practice we go to! So excited about that.)

The Good News: Jake weighed in at 7 lbs. 10 oz. and now measures 20 3/4" long. His head is now 14 instead of 13 1/2 and he has excellent ear drums (good to know, I guess). While they were weighing him, he totally peed and pooped all over the scale. It was great--saved me a diaper! Jake still sleeps through most of the night. Occasionally he will wake up once in the night, but most of the time, he's out. During the day, he is much more alert. It's so fun to see him look around at everything and soak it all in. I love it when he looks at me and smiles. I especially love it when I get him from J and he looks at me and smiles like, "There you are! I've missed you!" It makes my day.

The Not-so-good News: Jake has thrush. And Jake gave me thrush too. All I have to say is...ouch. It doesn't seem to be hurting Jake so that is great, but nursing since I've gotten it has been very hard. Last night was so hard I cried all the way through nursing him every time. I had J give me a blessing and today, it still hurts, but it's been bearable. Love the tender mercies of the Lord.

Overall, Jake is an extremely healthy baby and I am so grateful for that. He is amazing. Although I know he is still small, he is so big to me! This time feels like it's going way too fast, and I know it will only continue to go faster.

Jake has another best bud that's been brought into the world. Jason's best friend had a baby 6 days after Jake was born. We brought Jake over so they could meet and it was so fun! I can't wait till they are old enough to really play together...we will be in for quite the ride I am sure! (OK...so I can wait...I still don't want him to grow up.)

Yesterday, my friend who took my maternity pictures took newborn shots of Jake. Here are a few to tie you over until I get the rest of them!

One Week and One Day/3 Years...

2010-09-29T22:15:00.000-07:00

Today my son is one week and one day old. Can it have already been one week?? It seems like he's been in my life forever, but it also seems like just yesterday that he came into the world.

A few updates since last week:

Jake sleeps through the night. We have to wake him up sometimes to feed him. Best baby in the world?? Yes.
He had his first sponge bath and did not like it. Hopefully he will like bath time better when he can have a real bath once his cord falls off.
He can imitate my facial expressions. We sit after he's done eating and I make different faces, my favorite being my lips in an "O" shape, and he will do it too. It's my favorite game.
I'm starting to teach him sign. I am teaching him "Mom," "Dad," and "Milk."
Other than sleeping, he eats, pees, poops, and gets the hiccups.

That's about it. Not much that he does other than that, but my days are filled to the brim with the best smiles, expressions, and sounds in the world. I could stare at him all day, and I do.

Also, today is my 3 year anniversary. 3 years ago today I was sealed for time and all eternity to my best friend. These have been the best 3 years of my life. I fall more in love with J every day. Especially now that we have a child who is sealed to us forever. I watch J hold Jake and play with him and smile at every little thing he does and it makes my heart melt. He is the best man in the world and I can't believe he's mine. What a way to kick off our fourth year, huh? Can't wait for the rest of forever with you. I know I can face anything with you by my side. You are my rock and my strength. J, I will love you forever.

Home Grown, All Natural, and Hand Delivered...

2010-09-23T11:50:00.015-07:00

Introducing Jacob Christopher Moss:

Born on September 21st at 2:18 am weighing 7 lbs. 5 oz. and measuring 19 1/2 in. long.

Wow. As I sit here typing this my baby boy is bundled up like a little burrito lying next to me. I can't stop staring at him. To think that he is finally here is still so unbelievably surreal. He is perfect. And I never knew what it was like to be whole until he came into the world.

I'm not good at beginnings...or middles...or endings for that matter. I am not a writer so I have no idea where to start and how much to include, so bear with me as I try and recap my birth story, or Jake's birth story rather. (Also, as this is a birth story, I will be including details that to some, may be TMI, so if this applies to you, maybe you should skip over this one.)

First, before I start, a little bit of trivia: Did you know that your plug can regrow after you've lost it? It can...and mine did. Monday morning I lost my second plug. I remember totally not being excited because the loss of that first one didn't amount to much. I actually remember thinking, "I wonder how many of these I will lose before this baby actually decides to come." An hour after that, the first contraction hit. I didn't put much stock into these either until 2 pm when I decided I should probably start timing these. I had to start utilizing my hypnobirthing techniques so I figured they were strong enough to time. They were 6 minutes apart and the gap between them just kept on closing. They hit 5 minutes apart and I decided it was time to call Janice, my midwife, and ask her if she thought we should go to the hospital. She said to wait until 7 (it was 5 at the time) and if they were still going strong to come in. I told my parents what was going on and what my midwife said. By this time, my contractions were getting to be about 3.5-4 minutes apart. My mom was thinking I should go into the hospital then instead of waiting and my dad was too. Mom put Dad on the phone and he said, "Jessica Christine, you better get your (insert expletive here) to the hospital now. You don't want to have this baby in the car." (Hahaha...I just love my dad.) I realized he wasn't going to let this one go and I was getting a little anxious myself so I talked to J and we decided to go get some food at a place near the hospital so if anything did happen we would be closer.

We started gathering all of the hospital bags and all the last minute packing things and putting them in the truck. I went to the bathroom and got quite the show..."bloody show" that is. This freaked me out somewhat so we decided to just go to the hospital and skip getting food. We arrived at the hospital at around 6:15 and we got up to triage around 6:30. They checked me out and told me I was dilated to 4 cm and was 100% effaced. They hooked me up to the external fetal monitor and contraction reading thing-a-ma-jig (so professional, huh?) and we waited for about an hour to see if any progress was made. During this time, there was a shift change and I got a new nurse who checked me out and told me after an hour I was dilated to a 4 and 80% effaced. (...? 100% to 80% after having contractions that were 2-3 minutes apart for an hour?? I really don't like how subjective that whole system is.) She said we could either go home (because according to her no progress was made, which I still think is a crock) or we could walk the halls for another hour and see if that gets us anywhere. We opted to walk around and after the hour I was dilated to 5 cm and 90% effaced. We were then admitted (this was around 10 at that point). I dilated to a 6 fairly quickly after that. I think one contraction did it...it was so intense I threw up.

By this time the contractions were 1-2 minutes apart and were fairly intense. The whole time I had been experiencing these contractions mostly in my back, and by the time I was dilated to 7 cm (around 11) I thought I was going to die. My back was in agony. It was the most...ugh...can't describe it. J asked during that time what it was like and there were really no words. By this time, I was thinking, "I can't do this anymore. I really can't. But I have to." My midwife came and said my back labor indicated he was "Sunny-Side Up" and that I should get on my hands and knees and try and get him to flip over.

This next period is kind of a blur. Starting at 8 cm I remember yelling a lot. I remember screaming occasionally. I remember J being the sweetest, most loving, and most supportive human being on the planet. I remember not being able to communicate with words unless I was yelling at the top of my lungs so in between contractions (the whole 30 seconds) I just remember looking at everyone encouraging me and just shaking my head back and forth. I remember ripping the oxygen mask off every time I had a contraction...which I guess was kind of counter-productive (Jake's heart rate would go down every time I had a contraction so they put the mask on me). After a little while, my midwife checked me again and I was dilated to a 9 and 100% effaced. My bag of waters was still in tact and she wanted to break it at that point to try and get me to a 10 and be able to push. She broke my water and almost immediately after I was dilated to a 10 and I started pushing. I don't know if I was really feeling the need to push or not...I don't really remember, but I started anyways. That was a little before 1 am. I pushed, and pushed, and pushed, and pushed. I would breathe in and push on my exhale, but while I was exhaling I would make this grunting noise...it helped, but now my throat is a little sore. Not long into pushing, Jake's head started to crown. I reached down and touched my baby's head and just lost it. I just cried and kept saying, "My baby. My baby. My baby." I was totally and utterly exhausted, I would fall asleep between the contractions because I was just gone, but feeling his head and knowing that he was almost here gave me the boost I needed to keep going. (By the way...Jake cooperated and flipped over before I started pushing. Thank you, son. That helped Mama immensely). The hour went by and still all that was showing was the head. I felt like we weren't getting anywhere when my midwife got excited and told me that his head was almost out. I pushed again and I could feel it. I put everything I had into the next couple of pushes and out came my beautiful baby boy's head. One more push and he wriggled out like a fish (that was a weird feeling).

I have asked several people what it felt like when they held their baby in their arms for the first time. No one has ever been able to describe it to me, and now I understand why.

This was at a 6 and due to the scariness which is me for the rest of the labor, this will be the only one that surfaces.

Our first family picture. I just start crying every time I look at this.

7 lbs. 5 oz.--smaller than I expected...and I was totally OK with that ;)

I just fall more in love with this man every time I look at him. All through the labor he was right there beside me, telling me I can do it, helping me to breathe and relax, cuddling me and holding me. After our son was born, my heart melted all over again. Seeing him hold and love and play with Jake makes me the happiest person in the world. I will love him forever.

He makes the funnest noises! He grunts and whines and O my...his cry is the sweetest thing ever. I just love it.

There's that profile we saw in the womb. :)

J was by Jake's side the entire time we were in the hospital. So sweet.

Jake was born on his Aunt Janessa's birthday. When she holds him, he just stares at her. He loves his Aunt Janessa. She brought us dinner last night and she brought a bottle of congratulations bubbly with glasses that said "Aunt," "Uncle," "Mommy," "Daddy," and "Gramama." (She made them when we thought my Mom would be here). How sweet is that? Here's to you, Jake. I love you with all my heart.

Adjustments...

2010-09-18T09:39:00.003-07:00

I am used to waking up at about 7:30 or 8 and listening for the blow dryer to see if my Mom is done getting ready. If I miss that, I would sometimes get a text around 8 asking me if I was up. It would usually be a no, and then I would text, "come talk to me and wake me up." Mom would come in and then we would talk and laugh until I was coherent enough to get up and get ready. After that, we'd go to the store and get Mom a Pepsi and get both of us (and Jason) possibly a doughnut...or cherry turnover...or something really delicious and fattening. Then, we would come home and play Yahtzee (our version because it's so much better). We would try and think of stuff to do that wasn't too far or too uncomfortable. We'd sometimes take a nap. We'd watch "The Ringer" (Jenna, I think we watched that like 10 times...and quoted it all week). We'd go walk around the mall, or go see family and friends, or read. We'd eat (we were really good at that). Sometimes I would have to work, so she would study her seminary lesson. (I've seriously never seen anyone so dedicated in their lesson preparation...these kids are so lucky to have her.)

This morning I woke up at 9. No blow dryer, no text from Mom, and it made me really sad. So I had J come and cuddle with me before I got up. I love him. Now, I am sitting here wondering what I am going to do with myself. J is working and has plans to try and finish the crib today. What will I do? I feel somewhat lost. I miss my Mom. But, I am so grateful that she got to come at all. I got to spend two whole weeks with her, which hasn't happened in a long time and probably won't ever happen with just the two of us again. She is the most amazing woman I know and I just love her to death.

My Dad also loves her to death. She is his reason for being. It sounds dramatic, but really...he is just completely and utterly devoted to her like that...which I love. I didn't think how hard it was on my Dad to have her gone for two weeks. The night before she left I got really sad and I was trying to find some peace in her leaving and the only thing I was able to come up with was that Dad needed her more than I did. I told her to give him a big hug and tell him that the only reason I let her leave and didn't hold her hostage was because of him. Thanks for sharing her with me, Dad. It meant a lot.

Thanks Mom for coming and staying with me for two weeks. You made it so much fun and so relaxed. I am sorry that our little guy didn't come to say hi while you were here, but we just have to get that Skype set up so you and everyone else can see him. Hopefully that will tie you over until November when you can come and hold him in person. I love you, Mom! You are the best.

What Everyone Calls "D Day"

2010-09-16T19:47:00.005-07:00

But I don't like to call it that. That sounds too negative.

But today is the day the docs have told me my baby is "due." I haven't ever really put much stock in this day because I know it's not an exact science of deciding when the baby is due...it's an estimate.

I am feeling stuffed to the brim. Especially today. The baby turned today on his side and it felt like his little behind was going to pop out of my stomach! I don't think there is any room left...so I really don't know how long he can stay in there. But I know skin stretches...that's quite evident with the numerous stretch marks I've received, so I shouldn't be surprised at how long he decides to stay in there.

I am also feeling achy. I waddle like no other...especially when I first get out of the bed. Wowza. Those first few steps I take, I feel like the whole bottom half of my body is going to separate from my upper half and drop to the floor. Mom and I walked around JoAnn's and Costco today. My hips hurt, my pelvis hurts, and my feet and fingers...swollen.

But these few things aren't really that bad. There are ways around these things to make myself more comfortable.

The thing that is starting to wear on me is, well...my looks. How vain, right? I feel ginormous though. I walk by the mirror and I stop, look at my face, and wonder, "When the heck did my face get so big?!" After that, I sit and think and plan my workouts I will do when I can work out again. I think about all the junk food in my house I am getting rid of. I plan out my diet and how much I could potentially lose by Christmas. I think about J and how much he loves me even though I don't look my best and haven't looked my best for a long time. And anyway I am basically consumed with thoughts of my appearance and my body. I knew going into this that I was giving up my body to make another human being, which...hello! Is awesome. Amazing. A miracle really. But I will be very happy to get my body back and work on getting it into the shape I want it to be in again. Until then, I will just try and deal with my less than decent appearance as I wear the biggest clothes I have that still don't cover my stomach all the time.

Mom leaves tomorrow. I am trying not to think about it. Tomorrow is going to be a really, really hard day. That's all I can say right now about that.

I got some Halloween decorations today and it made me really excited for Halloween and for my little baby to experience his first Halloween. It's my second favorite holiday (after Christmas, of course) and I can't wait to share it with him. I love fall.

But I love the fact that I am going to have a baby soon even more.

Asking Nicely...

2010-09-10T14:23:00.002-07:00

I am not a person that likes to be told what to do. I am a pretty independent person that likes to explore and figure out how to do things on my own...unless I ask you for help. I don't like it when people try to boss me (probably because I can be such a boss...just ask J, and my mom for that matter). I don't like it when people tell me there is a better way. I won't outright be rude about it, but if you ever tell me to do something a different way, don't be offended if I ignore you and decide to try it my own way...even if it is wrong and I will have to do it over again. It's not you. It's just how I am.

This whole past week we've been talking to the baby to try and get him to come out. But, this morning I realized we had been telling him to come out. Telling him it was time. I sat and thought about it and I realized, I probably have a stubborn little independent boy on my hands...just like his mom. So while he and I were waiting in the truck this morning for Mom to come out of the store I had a talk with him. I asked him very sweetly, "Please, baby. Please come out and see me soon?" Then I thought, maybe he might be a little frightened. Squeezing out a baby out of a relatively tiny hole probably is just as frightening to him as it is to me. So I reassured him that he and I would be going through this together. I would be doing it right there with him. And his dad would be there to help...and, if he so chooses to come while she is here, his grandma would be there to help too. I told him about all of the wonderful family and friends we have that love him so much already and can't wait to meet him (especially his Aunt Janessa).

Hopefully I got through to the little guy. Mom has been here one week and we have one week to go. No pressure. We tried figuring out what to do today, but all the ideas we came up with were too uncomfortable for me...I'm getting big (OK...I'm the size of a house...but it's getting to be a little more on the unmanageable side). So we told the baby we were really bored, and we needed him to come and play with us...or just sleep while we watch him. Pretty sure we'll take hours of our days doing that.

Turn Around...

2010-09-07T13:00:00.003-07:00

Pretty much all last night beginning at around 8 I had contractions. They were pretty sporadic and not the gnarly, painful ones so I didn't time them or anything. I got really excited though thinking that even if this didn't bring on the "big show" it would at least move things along in the right direction.

Mom and I went to my appointment with my midwife, Janice, this morning where she checked me out. I am only 2-3 cm dilated and about the same effaced. I almost started crying. I know I still haven't gotten to my due date, but after all these signs I was just expecting much, much more. I started slipping into my discouraged, depressed, "I want my baby now" state and was talking to Mom about it. We decided that instead of stressing out about it (which would only make things worse) we would just have fun and enjoy the time together. We know that we got our answer that she was supposed to come. Why? We don't know yet, but Heavenly Father knows and we are trying to continue to exercise that faith and not doubt. I also thought how sad would it be to have this wonderfully awesome pregnancy and spend the last little bit of it depressed about how he hasn't made his appearance yet. So instead of moping about and going to bed every night thinking, "This is the night," I am just going to put it all in the Lord's hands and trust in His timing. He knows what's best, and I can handle waiting for the perfect time for my little guy to come.

Tender Mercies

2010-09-05T13:14:00.002-07:00

My last post, I was pretty down and out. I was really upset that my mom wasn't going to be able to be here for the delivery and I was just not feeling good about anything.

I talked to my mom later again that day and she said she really felt she should come down. The whole problem was she can only stay for two weeks because of work. If she came too soon, and the baby didn't come, she may not have enough time, if any time at all, with the baby. So we talked some more and we decided that we hadn't really been praying about what we should do the right way. We had just been asking Heavenly Father what we should do, not making a decision and taking it to Him. So we decided that she would come that night, and then we would take our decision to Heavenly Father and see how we felt. Immediately after I talked to her on the phone, I went and knelt by my bed and prayed. After I was done praying, I stayed there for a little while and just waited to see how I felt. Immediately I felt peace and the phrase, "Wherefore did you doubt?" came into my mind. I knew I had gotten my answer before that she should come, but I let the doubts creep in. After I was done, I went to the bathroom and I lost my plug. It felt like a total reassurance that Mom was supposed to come and that this was our answer from Heavenly Father. I called her and before I even told her what happened she said, "I feel really strongly that I should come." I told her what happened and it just made me so grateful for answers to prayers. Another reassurance that our Father in Heaven loves us and watches out for us.

I am not saying that I am going to go into labor today or tomorrow...that is still obviously in the Lord's hands, but I know that my mom was supposed to come on Friday. It's been great having her here. Yesterday we went and ran errands and got a lot of stuff done...and walked, well, waddled to try and help move things along. Today I had this insane urge to clean my entire house. It was just not clean enough. Mom helped a ton, and after we were done, we cleaned the truck (which was in dire need). Not exactly good Sabbath day activities, but I had to do it (nesting right?). Not only has she helped me check things off my list, but it's been great just being able to talk and have fun with her. J has been working crazily trying to get the crib done and everything else he has to do on his list, among those things are building a new computer, which has taken up a lot of his time when he isn't working on the crib. We haven't had a lot of time together lately and I understand his desire to get things done so he doesn't have to worry about it when our little guy comes...I've been doing it too. I was starting to get pretty lonely though because I could only do so much, and he would just keep going, and going, and going. It's been a blessing having Mom here for company so J can get his stuff done without me bugging him for attention (which I do quite often).

I am so grateful for family. I am so grateful for answers to prayers and the "tender mercies" of the Lord. With the exception of Friday morning, I've felt like the windows of Heaven have been opened and we have just been in a downpour of blessings. I love having the knowledge I have of the Gospel and the knowledge that my Heavenly Father and the Savior love me and know my needs. Life is just amazing.

And Then Again...

2010-09-03T10:39:00.002-07:00

Maybe not.

Nothing. Not a single contraction. How does that happen? Frustration and massive impatience is setting in. And I blame it on J.

He is building the crib...which is amazing. Truly, I am so excited for it. But Jason keeps telling the baby that he can't come till it's done. I said, "J. The baby isn't going to sleep in the crib for the first little while anyways." And J said, "Yeah, but I don't want to be working on the crib once he is born. I'm going to want to be around him." Understandable. Good point. Sweet even...kinda melted my heart a bit. But...I'm selfish. And waddling...a LOT. I want this baby in my arms and I want him now.

I woke up and told J that I hadn't felt anything last night and he laughed and said, "I know! (insert typical J giggle here.)" So I replied, "You didn't know. And what's so funny?" To which he replies, "I Jedi-mind tricked him into staying in there 'til the crib was done." What a turd.

I told my mom about my lack of contractions, etc. and she and I decided that she isn't coming tonight and she is just going to wait until the baby comes. I am really sad now. I got the guest room ready yesterday and I thought about being able to pick my mom up from the airport (if I wasn't in labor) and I was so excited. And I thought about having her at the hospital with me and about her being able to see her first grandchild brought into this world. How awesome would that be??

I should stop whining. I know it's all on Heavenly Father's timing whether J Jedi-mind tricks our baby or not. So I just keep praying really, really hard that Heavenly Father's timing might coincide with mine...just this once. I'm guessing that my lack of contractions and anything really for the matter was a solid, "No." I'm also pretty sure that the fact that it's LABOR Day weekend is kind of a cruel joke if I come out of it with my baby still in utero.

Contractions...

2010-09-02T15:11:00.002-07:00

Surges, waves, whatever you want to call them. I felt them.

I went to the Dr. on Tuesday for my regular visit and they checked me out to see if I was effaced or dilated at all. I was fully expecting to not be anything. At the most, just a little effaced. I hadn't felt a single contraction, Braxton Hicks or otherwise, and had only experienced mild, mild crampiness the week before. The Doc checked me out (what an O so pleasant experience...not) and told me, with a surprised look on her face, that I was 80% effaced and about 1-2 cm dilated! What?! I was thrilled...am thrilled.

And so it began-- the wondering, waiting, and especially over-analyzing every tiny feeling. I know some women stay like that for weeks, so I was trying not to get too excited (that didn't last very long). I was all excited that day and night. I woke up several times in the middle of the night to see if I was having any kind of contraction at all. Many of those times, I would try to "Jedi mind trick" myself into having contractions or having my water break...but to no avail. I woke up with no baby.

Last night, more signs came that I am getting this baby out sooner rather than later (some of them fall into the TMI category so I won't share). I woke up several times in the middle of the night to contractions...radiating throughout my lower abdomen and my back. It was just a lot of pressure, no pain really. I didn't wake J up because I knew these weren't the contractions...this was just a practice run, and they went away by about 6 in the morning. I told my mom all the things that I experienced, and she decided she is going to fly in tomorrow. She is convinced that this baby is coming by the end of this weekend. I will probably eat my words, but I think he will be here between Saturday and Tuesday. Should we open up a betting pool?

Can you tell patience was never my strong point? Cross your fingers and say a little prayer for me. :)

The Drop...

2010-08-30T09:27:00.002-07:00

This Saturday morning I woke up feeling even more off balance than usual...and in more pain than usual. I thought to myself, "Maybe he dropped." And then I thought to myself, "He's so low. The only place he could possibly drop would be out!!" Wrong. He dropped. And now, it's near impossible to close my legs together without feeling a lot of pain. J and his sister both noticed a difference in the way I'm carrying him too.

But...despite the pain and the bigger waddle, this has got me super excited. It just means one step closer till I get to hold this little guy in my arms. I've been super impatient lately. One of my best friends, my pregnancy buddy, had her baby last week on Thursday. I got to spend a lengthy amount of time with them in the hospital and when I left, my face was sore from smiling so much! The happiness they radiated just was so contagious and I just couldn't help but imagine what it will be like to be in their shoes. Holding her little baby boy was just amazing. We got to go over to their house on Friday night too and I got to cuddle him for a good chunk of time. O man. The best. I seriously am bursting at the seams with excitement for the day when I can finally hold my baby.

He is moving around a lot more. Probably feeling pretty cramped at this point. I feel bad for the little guy. I keep telling him to come when he's ready (but to be ready sooner rather than later), but J keeps telling him to come when the crib is done. J has been frantically working on it lately trying to catch up from the time we lost during the move. He has a section of rail put together and it looks amazing!!! He said about 10 more hours of work should do it. I can't wait to show everyone the pictures. My husband is awesome. I think I am going to make the crib sheets and attempt a crib skirt and possibly a canopy...not sure about the canopy. Hopefully that will keep me busy enough till he comes. This sitting and waiting business just doesn't fly well with me.

So I'm off to find more projects to do...first one? Mop the floor. The brand new bottle of cranberry juice fell of the counter and splattered all over the floor on Saturday night. I've mopped it 3 times with a regular mop and it's still sticky. So today we are attempting it with a rag. Wish me luck.

All My Bags Are Packed...

2010-08-25T15:44:00.004-07:00

But not quite ready to go, if ya know what I mean. He still has a little more time to bake in there I think. Here is the hospital bag and various pillows complete with the last minute packing/reminder list:

I can't believe that I seriously only have about 3 weeks left till d-day and who knows how long till the baby actually decides to come. Could be tomorrow (yikes!)...could be a month or so from now, but wow. My baby is almost here. You know how when you plan and plan for this big vacation, but it doesn't feel like you will really go until you are on the plane flying to your destination? That's how this feels. Even though I know he can't stay in there forever, it just doesn't feel like he will ever come out.

I am still doing great with my pregnancy. I still love it. I waddle, I ache, I swell, I get heartburn frequently now, I feel like my bladder is going to explode at least 10 times a day, and it's totally worth it. I wouldn't trade these 9 months, good and bad for anything...except my baby, which was the original deal to begin with anyways.

I have no idea whether he will come early or late now. In the beginning I was convinced he was going to come late. Toward the middle, my Mom pretty much had me convinced that he would be early (she was early with all three of us kids). Now? No clue. I hope he comes when he is ready (and maybe I hope a little bit that he will be ready earlier than later). The hardest part about waiting right now is that I am SO anxious to see what he looks like! I want to hold him and cuddle him. I want to see his eyes and I want to see if he has his daddy's nose (I think he does). I want to see if he has my little butt chin and I want to see if he has my lips. I am 95% certain he is going to have a big head with lots of thick, dark hair...but the 5% I am unsure about is killing me.

I am a mother. I am going to have a baby. I keep telling myself that trying to make it sink in. I think the only thing that will really make it real is when I am holding my sweet little guy in my arms and crying from the sheer joy of seeing him. I can't wait.

*Please don't pay attention to the cheesy expression...the purpose of this is to show the bulkiness of the baby belly. Focus on the belly.

The New Digs...

2010-08-25T15:16:00.023-07:00

We are moved in!!! (Mostly.) It's not all completely put together yet, but the majority of it is in place and lookin' pretty good if I do say so myself.

We LOVE the house. It is just perfect for us. Here is a little photo tour:

Entry Way--we put the french doors in...that used to be just an open space, but we figured with a baby on the way we needed to make the office have doors to block out some of the noise.

Here is where we work: The Office

Love this picture! Hahaha

The living room (complete with cute puppies)

The other view of the living room

The dining table

The kitchen (LOVE)

The hallway leading to the other bedrooms

The man cave (we got the cabinets put in...J is in heaven)

The laundry room with cabinets!!! I do laundry now! :)

The guest bedroom (still needs lots of work)

The nursery...and my big comfy chair! Woo hoo!

The crib is going to go where the play yard is, but for now that's where that goes. The decorations aren't done so when it's all done I'll do a nursery post.

The master bath!

The shower (Why does this excite me? Two seats in the shower...yes.)

The master bedroom...I was scared about the color when we picked it, but I LOVE it. It's awesome. The sleeping bag is going to go.

The bed. We are going to get a real bed frame soon so it won't be so dang tall and these beds are going to be in the guest room.

Another good bonus of this house is we have trained the dogs to stay out of the master bed and bath, the den, the kitchen, the nursery, the laundry room, the guest bath, and the guest room. Our house is going to be relatively dog hair free!

The backyard has grass and the front yard has grass! I am in heaven (when I am inside looking out and not the other way around...it's still too hot).

Moss by Mosswest 2010

2010-08-25T14:28:00.005-07:00

This year for the Moss reunion we went to Oregon at Kylene and Brian's new house. We had a lot of fun, but it was so filled with activities that I was definitely ready to be home by the time we were done.

First day we went to the Portland Japanese Garden and the International Rose Test Garden. After that we went back to the house for a BBQ and a movie later that night.

The next day we went to Cannon Beach and on the way there we stopped for breakfast at Camp 18. My life has been altered forever. We had the best hot chocolate there. I've never tasted anything like it. The best way to describe it is it tasted like liquid brownies with whip cream, but not just any brownies, the best brownies you've ever tasted in your life. Mmmmmmmmmm. So good. The beach was pretty foggy and the water was freezing but we had a good time. J and his brother and various other people built a pretty sweet sand castle. We then stopped for dinner and went to Seaside to get some ice cream then headed home.

The next day we had brunch, did some crafts, and played Moss Minute to Win It...I was the official videographer and boy was that hilarious. Once I can get on J's computer I'll have to post a couple of my favorites. That night we went to movie in the park and watched Princess Bride. Would've been a blast under non-pregnant circumstances, but being big and pregnant it wasn't the most comfortable evening of my life. After that on our way home, my sweet brother in law, Brian, drove around to find me a bathroom that was open that late at night. Thank goodness he found Safeway...would've been an interesting ride home.

The next day everyone but J and me left and so we got to just relax and hang out with Brian and Kylene. Then Sunday we went home!

Favorite part? My angel of a mother in law gave me a foot bath complete with a massage. Heavenly.

Thanks for the wonderful time guys! :D

Maternity Pictures

2010-08-23T13:28:00.022-07:00

I am so blessed to have such wonderful friends! I started teaching piano to Nichole and her daughter last year and during Nichole's lessons, we would do some piano, and then we'd talk. We got really close through those lessons. From the beginning the deal was that I would trade her piano lessons for maternity pictures when I got pregnant (I wasn't at the time). I got the much better end of the deal (we did do a lot of talking during a lot of those lessons). After I told her I was pregnant she was so thrilled and she wanted to see what I thought about her doing birth pictures for me as well. I loved the idea. So along with maternity pictures, she is also going to do birth pictures at the hospital when my little man is born. How awesome is she?! (Check her out at itsmylifephotography.com)
After we got back from Montana and right before we left for Oregon we set up the day for pictures. It ended up raining that day, but the pictures turned out wonderful all the same and I am so grateful for Nichole and her talent. Love you girl! :)

P.S. These were taken when I was 33 weeks.

Trip to Montana in July

2010-08-23T12:39:00.014-07:00

The allure of Montana in the summer was just too much to resist. We decided we had to go. I am so glad we were able to and it provided for a very crazy next few weeks, but we survived!We got in on Saturday night and spent the next day doing the church and family dinner thing. Monday we went out with my parents to Logan Creek and got in the fr-r-r-eezing water Seriously...I thought the cold would freeze my baby, but it didn't phase him at all. I think he is definitely a Montana boy at heart...or it was the several layers of fat that were protecting him from the cold. It felt SO good. The guys fished and Mom and I ate (how much better could it get, really). Then we went to see a movie and just hung out for the rest of the night.

Tuesday we went to breakfast with my Grandpa, Uncle, and Mom and then we went floating on Flathead River with J's little brother and his friends. Again...fr-r-r-eezing, but enjoyable all the same. We were doing really great and moving at the perfect speed when we came to a fork in the river and got separated from half the group. Then...came the slow spot. I mean way slow...like it took us an hour and half to get around one bend. Not a good thing to happen to a pregnant lady in a not so comfy inner tube. We still hadn't been able to connect up with the other half of the group, so taking that into account and my immense discomfort, we decided to get out on the side, find a road, and call for a ride. We got out and tried to figure out where we were while trekking through a dirt field to get to the closest road. Soaking wet and walking in dirt makes for really hard walking conditions when you're 7 months pregnant. Then, to top it off, we got attacked by a HUGE swarm of mosquitoes. They ate me alive. For real. I couldn't swat them off fast enough and I couldn't waddle away fast enough (this would've been the best thing to watch for a third party observer). J was getting attacked too and told me to run. Ha. Really? Who did he think he was kidding?? Me? Run? Funny...or not. He ran...and left me to be eaten some more. We finally got to the road where the mosquitoes were still attacking us, but in less numbers. With blood and mosquitoes smeared all over my arms, we walked down the road and called J's parents. Luckily we were able to describe where we were and they came and got us. The next day I surveyed the bite damage and found that it looked like I had chicken pox. The story is funny now, but then. Not so funny.

The next day my Mom and Mom #2 threw me a baby shower with the help of some dear friends of mine (way fun baby shower game girls)! I got SO many cute and wonderful things. My boy definitely has plenty of adorable clothes and blankets. Thanks everyone for making it so awesome (especially you Mom and Terry!). Here are some pictures from the shower:

My beautiful Mom #2

Uncle Mel and Aunt JoAnn (Thanks for taking these pictures Aunt Jo!)

The food table! :)

Butt flap pjs (how awesome), and some cute onesies from my Mom #2

Mo Jo and Linz Pinz (Mo is due in November with her second boy. So excited my little boy will have a cousin his age!)

Grandma Char, Grandma Jewel, Aunt Judy, and Linda

My beautiful Mom

An awesome quilt I got from Sis. Galloway

Thursday I hung out with my Mom some more and Friday we hung out with J's parents! We went to Arts in the Park and looked at all the cool booths. Then we drove by Rebecca Farms to watch the horse jumping competition. We had to be on our way, you see, because we were headed to go see Inception. After the movie, we went to dinner with Taylor (J's little brother) and his girlfriend Mary at Alley Connection and then we went and hung out at the house.

We left Sunday during church and it was so hard to say good bye...I guess it's always hard to say good bye.

We had so much fun though and can't wait to go back with our Baby Boy for Christmas!

Trips and Moving

2010-08-14T16:05:00.003-07:00

Things have been crazy over here lately (hence the absence of blog posts). Between trips and moving to a new house, a girl just doesn't have much time to blog! Hopefully things will be slowing down in the next week as we get the final touches put on our new house and then I will update this sad little blog.

Coming soon...

"Trip to Montana in July"
"Maternity Pictures"
"Moss by Mosswest 2010"
"Our New House (Eeeeee!)"

and...

"Holy Crap I Have Less than 5 Weeks Till D-Day!!! (For real...where did the time go and is my belly really that big??)"

Stay Tuned!

The Second Wife

2010-07-15T12:41:00.003-07:00

So J asked me the other day what my plan would be if he died. After making him realize this was purely hypothetical (he has already promised me he isn't going to die) I told him what I had figured I would do which would be to try and get rid of whatever we have down here, move home, buy a home with the life insurance money, and try to either go to school with what was left, or just get a job. He hounded me with questions (I guess he didn't like my answer), but he never brought up the re-marrying. Probably because I've told him several times that I honestly don't think I could remarry. Obviously, I am not in that position and never ever want to be, but I can't see it. I can't see anyone that could ever compare or even anyone that could just put up with me and my craziness. Plus, what J and I have is forever...I don't take that lightly and having that perspective makes me think I would be strong enough to live the rest of my life without someone. Like I said, I hope I never have to find out. I always say, "God won't give me more than I can handle," but I never really know if I can handle it until God gives me that trial. I am definitely not asking for it...I don't want to find out, but we never know what God has in the plan for us.

I read a blog post this morning from a man who recently lost his wife who was the mother of his six children. We've joked around about and I would "half" kid with him that he couldn't remarry when I die. I would just be too jealous (yes...I have a horrible problem with the green monster). I thought about me, in the Spirit World, looking down on a different woman raising my kids, being loved by my husband, living the life I was supposed to live, and...even the thought hurt. But lately my attitude toward that has been changing. Heaven forbid I did die, I love J enough to put my own selfishness aside and hope that he does find someone to share the rest of his life with (I most likely won't be happy about it). Having this little one puts it into even a bigger perspective. He needs a mom. But then I thought...maybe I will have reached some sort of enlightenment when I die and I won't look at it that way. Maybe I will be rooting for a certain woman I want my husband to be with. Someone I know would take care of him and my children. Would I want her to be someone like me? Probably not. I would want her to be better...but a little less attractive (OK maybe a lot less...I still want him to love me more).

Baby Shower

2010-07-12T17:26:00.024-07:00

So...yeah. I gave up on the 30 days of blogging thing, but I made it pretty dang far!

My awesome-est, best friend in the world threw me the most amazing baby shower on Saturday! :D Here are some pictures for ya!

My baby shower was filled with the cutest decorations:

Yes...isn't that the cutest diaper cake you've ever seen? Look at that moose! And you can't see it, but those are John Deer socks on the side of the cake. Jenna, my friend...you know me all too well! :D

Wouldn't be a truly "Montana" themed baby shower without antlers!

On the hunt for a jacket like that...if anyone knows where I can find one, let me know!

Complete with fishin' poles, campfire, and a tent!

The best tastin' and best lookin' food:

Camo cupcakes!!! Even the insides were camo! Kudos to Robin for being so awesome!

Colorful, delicious fruit complete with dip! (Thanks Lu!)

Carbs, carbs, and more...carbs. O yes.

The food table. But wait! There is something missing!

O yes...MONKEY BREAD!!!!!!!!

And...the sweetest people:

Me and my baby boy sure got spoiled!

How awesome is this bib?!

My "pregnant buddy." She is exactly two weeks and one day ahead of me. Everywhere we go, we get some kind of comment like, "Good timing," or "Double trouble!" or "What is this, the pregnancy club?" Haha...I love it.

A little pre-party picture. This is me at 30 weeks!

Thank you to everyone who came! It was the best! And a big, big thank you to Jenna (the bestest friend and amazing party planner), Robin, Kim, Missy, Krystal, Janae, and Lu! You guys made it an amazing day! :D Love you!

Days 21, 22, & 23--A Recipe, A Website, and a Youtube Video

2010-07-07T09:13:00.001-07:00

Yes...I fell behind. Motivation is something I lack as of late...for anything really (not good when you have work to do and a house to pack up and move).

Today is the 3 year anniversary of the day that J proposed. We finally wrote down the story, with both of our points of view. I will post it later today...you do not want to miss that story. Basically...I married the most amazing man ever.

Kung Pao Chicken
*I found the original recipe online and tweaked it to how I like it. Hope you enjoy! (How could you not though, seriously.) Serves four.

Ingredients:

2 pounds boneless, skinless chicken breasts-cubed
2 tablespoon cornstarch
2 tablespoon peanut oil
4 cloves garlic-minced
1 1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper
1 teaspoon ground ginger
8 tablespoons rice vinegar
8 tablespoons soy sauce
8 teaspoons sugar
thai chili peppers

Directions:

Combine the chicken and the cornstarch in a small bowl. Toss to coat evenly. (To evenly coat with ease I put the chicken in a ziploc bag with the cornstarch and shake to my heart's content.)
Heat peanut oil in a large pan on medium high heat. Add chicken and stir fry 6 to 8 minutes or until no longer pink in the center. Transfer to a plate.
Add garlic, crushed red pepper, and ginger to pan. Stir fry for 15-20 seconds. Remove from the heat.
Stir together vinegar, soy sauce and sugar in small bowl (This is the sauce portion). Pour over the garlic mixture. Add chicken. Add whole Thai chili peppers. Heat through until sauce glazes and sticks to the chicken. Serve over hot rice.

(I'd post a picture, but I don't have one, and none of the online pictures do it justice. You'll just have to see how it turns out yourself!)

The following website is where I go to make myself sick of junk food before I even eat any. You'll see why...

This is Why You're Fat

I should've visited this site more frequently in the last couple weeks because I gained a little too much weight over that duration due to my intake of glorious sugar. (I resolved yesterday to go off sugar again when I have this baby...don't know if I'm emotionally stable enough to attempt it right now.)

And since I'm all about babies lately...here's a Youtube video for your viewing pleasure.

Day 20--A Hobby of Yours

2010-07-04T16:46:00.002-07:00

Dear Reader,

Hobbies.

When I was younger I actually used to write down every license plate number I ever saw. Walking, riding my bike, riding in the car...anywhere. I would write it down, until...an 80-something year old man saw me taking down his license plate number, gave me the what for, and told me I was some punk kid trying to steal his identity (I was probably about 7 or 8 years old...why would I want your decrepit identity, old man?). I gave up that hobby pretty quickly after that (remember I was a sensitive little thing).

I have been straining to remember a hobby I've had since then and, other than music (see last post), I can't think of any. I have activities I enjoy doing, but nothing to really make a hobby out of.

I'm not "crafty." I don't have vision when it comes to refinishing old furniture, or scrapbooking, or any kind of thing like that. I can sew a pair of pajama pants and managed to sew a couple of aprons, but that's about it in that department.

I read a lot. Is that a hobby? Somehow I feel it isn't because it's not a very productive one. All I do is lay on the couch and absorb another story into my sponge of a brain.

So, dear friends, I need your help. I am on the hunt for a new hobby. One that suits me. Any ideas? What hobby should I adopt?

If you could suggest anything at all, I would be much obliged.

Sincerely,
Hobby-less

Day 19--A Talent of Yours

2010-07-04T12:16:00.002-07:00

Well...most people don't know this, but...

I can give thumbs up with my big toe. I would take a picture, but my feet are a little dirty right now, so I will wait on that.

What most people do know is that my main talent lies in music. Heavenly Father blessed from the start with long fingers to play the instruments effectively and an ear to hear the music. I feel very blessed to be given this gift and I love to use it as much as I can.

My main instrument is piano and I also play violin. I dabble in guitar and I like to sing. But, the singing is usually when I am alone...I am really shy about singing.

Since I've been married I've taken up composing. I adore composing music. It's an amazing process and it's one that I'm still learning a lot about. I have started composing about 10 songs and have finished composing only 2. I have "writer's block" a lot and finding an ending is ridiculously hard. I have the music in my head but getting it to feel final and complete in itself is difficult to say the least.

The two pieces I composed were for my sister-in-law and my best friend. I wrote a piece for my sister-in-law titled "Danse de Kylene" and I haven't been able to record it because I don't know people who play the instruments that the piece requires.

My best friend had her first baby last year and as a gift I composed a lullaby for her daughter titled "Kaleigh's Lullaby." (My titles are not very original...I'm striving to be a composer, not an author, right?) I was very fortunate (with the help of some awesome friends) to be able to record it and give it to her at her baby shower. If you click the link at the bottom and click on the link on the page that pops up you can hear it!

I am currently working on my baby boy's lullaby. My goal is to write a song for each of my babies before they are born. It's proving to be a difficult task (that darn writer's block).

Kaleigh's Lullaby

Day 18--Whatever Tickles Your Fancy

2010-07-02T22:49:00.005-07:00

What tickles my fancy today? Let me show you...

My working air conditioner and...

high quality H2O.

Yes. Living in the desert and feeling like you are sticking your head in an oven every time you step outside makes you grateful for these things that you would normally take for granted.

You know what else tickles my fancy (and my insides)? My little man. He kicked a lot more today than he did yesterday (which is great because I was worrying a little bit yesterday) and I still can't get enough.

Day 17--An Art Piece

2010-07-01T13:31:00.002-07:00

I am really not an art connoisseur as I am not very educated in art and haven't been exposed to a lot of pieces.

If I had a picture of it, I would definitely put a picture of the moose my mother-in-law painted (she is amazing). It used to hang in our cabin and now, once we get it down here, it will hang in our baby boy's nursery. I adore the moose painting.

But...as I don't have a picture of it, I will put this picture up:

It's not my favorite, but I've always been somewhat fond of it.

Day 16--A Song That Makes You Cry (or Nearly)

2010-06-30T11:22:00.002-07:00

I always cry when I listen to Gortoz A Ran-J'attends written by Hans Zimmer. It's from the movie "Black Hawk Down." (Never seen the movie oddly enough.) The song just releases some kind of trigger in me and I can't help it. It's so beautifully sad. (The tears came even before I was pregnant so it's not some hormonal thing either.) Usually, for me, words detract from a song, but this is in a different language and their voices are so haunting and evoke a lot of emotion in me.

Gortoz A Ran-J'attends

Day 15--A Fanfic

2010-06-30T11:00:00.002-07:00

No fanfics worth blogging about so...I am not writing about that.

I finished "Sweetness" and I love it. It's definitely one of my favorite books now. As mentioned in a previous post, I am not good at reviews...at all. I have a hard time really saying what I feel about books because I know other people may not think that when they read. So I will try and overcome that. That being said...

This book had one of the best main characters/narrators I've ever encountered in literature. Flavia de Luce is an 11-year-old girl with the wit and brains to keep you entertained the entire way through. From her fascination with chemistry (especially with poisons) to her quest to get sweet revenge on her two older sisters, Flavia never fails to delight. The plot, I feel, is propelled forward at just the right speed and the mystery is neither too complicated, nor too easy. I highly recommend this book and hope that you find it as enjoyable as I did.

I started reading another book yesterday (The Monsters of Templeton), but not far into the first chapter the author drops the f-bomb twice. How pointless. It really disappointed me because I had really high hopes for this book...and I still really want to finish it. The plot sounds enthralling, but, if the author feels the need to use that language in the book, then I don't need to read it. I hate how authors ruin perfectly good books like that.

Starting to pack up the house today. We found a house to buy in a neighborhood about 5-10 minutes away from our current house. I am so grateful to have found something that we can move into before the baby is born, especially something we can buy instead of rent. I am sad to leave my ward, but am looking at the bright side and knowing that they are all still only 5-10 minutes away. I detest packing and moving...strongly detest, but I just have to tell myself that the end result is worth it...and it totally is.

J and I went shopping yesterday. He was in need of shoes and a few clothing items. While we were out, I showed him a cute jean jacket and some onesies that I had seen earlier. He loved them too...so we bought them! I adore the jean jacket...SO cute. We got to the counter and I told J, "I'm shopping for my boys today." And I almost started to cry (yes...those emotions are running high and it feels like I'm a leaky faucet). I can't believe I'll have my son in my arms soon. I love him so much...I can't wait!

Day 14--A Non-fictional Book

2010-06-28T08:47:00.003-07:00

I thought I would type this now so as to avoid missing a day again as I think I will be working/reading all day (I have a lot of books to get through before I need to return them to the library).

This is, by far, my favorite *non-fiction book (besides the standard works, but that kind of always goes without saying). I am not good at reviews and making it sound so appealing where people want to read it. All I can say is read it. It's worth it. It will give you a whole new perspective on the Atonement and how to apply it more fully to your life. My testimony of the Atonement was strengthened by having read this book. It's a fast read--fairly short. Go get it. Now.

*This book has fictional characters (very realistic characters whose story could be anyone's story, really) in it, but the main things (scripture stories, the principles that the author is trying to teach) are non-fiction which is where I am basing my "non-fiction" categorization on.

Day 13--A Fictional Book

2010-06-28T08:43:00.003-07:00

So I didn't type this yesterday because I was reading this fictional book all day. It just might be my favorite new book, but I am not done yet so I will let you know.

Due to the fact that I'm not quite finished, I will save my review/synopsis for a later date. I don't want to rave about how great it is, then have it end horribly (the kind of horrible ending that ruins the entire book).

Day 12--Whatever Tickles Your Fancy

2010-06-26T22:05:00.004-07:00

The red is the temperature that "came" with this thermometer picture. O how I wish it were that temperature. But the orange is what we've actually been dealing with this week (110-115). Luckily, I've only had to go out in it a couple times. Today I went out. My feet haven't returned to their normal size since.

My brain is fried. I can't write anymore.

Day 11--A Photo Of You Taken Recently

2010-06-25T21:12:00.002-07:00

In answer to yesterday's trivia question, I am the cute little thing first row on the left, sittin' all lady-like. I was one cute little girl.

Not so cute in this picture though...

This photo was taken of me last night. The first time my trusty boxed highlighting kit failed me miserably. Very grateful for being naturally brunette...when you are naturally dark...mess ups are way easier to fix.

Day 10--A Photo Of You Taken Over 10 Years Ago

2010-06-24T21:09:00.002-07:00

Can you guess which one is me?

Day 09--A Picture You Took

2010-06-23T14:45:00.002-07:00

Wolverine Jason
(He he...I love this picture)

Day 08--A Photo That Makes You Angry/Sad

2010-06-22T15:48:00.003-07:00

It's not that this is a sad memory...I am sad looking at it for a few reasons. We won't be making any more memories like this at the cabin. We packed up everything in the cabin when we went back home in April because we have to sell it or we lose it in August. Either way...it's pretty much gone. I cried a few times while we were packing it up. This is where J first kissed me. This is where we spent our first Christmas together. We spent the "Summer of Fun" there before we moved here. This place holds a special place in my heart and I will miss it a lot. But Heavenly Father has a plan, and we will find another place like this eventually...one where we will make many more memories.

This also makes me sad because I am incredibly homesick right now. I'm homesick for our family and I'm homesick for Montana itself. I'm having a really hard time being away from mine and J's parents being all big and pregnant like I am. I was supposed to experience this with them and I feel somewhat gypped sometimes when I think about it. But, then I think, "I am blessed to be having this experience of being pregnant and having this baby at all." And then I stop complaining real quickly because no matter how sad I am, I realize that I am truly blessed and have a multitude of blessings and tender mercies to be grateful for. Every time my little man kicks I am reminded of that and say a little prayer of thanks to my Heavenly Father for loving me so much and blessing me with an abundance.

Day 07--A Photo That Makes You Happy

2010-06-21T18:26:00.005-07:00

I'm amending this to 3 photos that make me happy. There are many more, but I will try and stick to just 3.

"Raptor Jason"
How could this picture not make me happy? Everytime I look at it I giggle a ton and get really nervous and then I try and hold very still. This man is a convincing raptor folks...let me tell you...even a picture of him imitating it makes me nervous! I love him.

I'm never happier than when I am with Jason. I found my other half. That's why this picture makes me happy.

This is my son...my little man. I love him so much already, it's incredible. I can't wait to hold him in my arms and feel that overwhelming joy. He's kicking away as I type this...and that makes me even more happy.

Day 06--Whatever Tickles Your Fancy

2010-06-20T18:55:00.003-07:00

Happy Father's Day to all of you fathers out there! And a very happy birthday to my own mama! She turned 45 today (although she looks about 32).

We bought plane tickets the other day. We bought tickets for the Moss by Mosswest reunion in August. We bought tickets to go home for Christmas. AND...we bought tickets to go home for a week in July! Ecstatic? Why, yes I am!

Dear Montana,

I love you. Did you know that? I know you may not believe it because we've been separated for so long, but what is it that everyone says? "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Please, save a cloudy day or two for me (but don't tell anyone there I asked you for it). I think of you daily and can't wait to swim in your lakes, climb your mountains, and soak up that beautiful, Big Sky.

All my love,
Jessica
In other news...

I woke up about a week ago and lifted up my shirt to say good morning to my little man and look at my cute belly, and to my surprise, stretch marks had popped up overnight. I was pretty sad that day, but after a little bit of reflection I realized I am okay with it. Sure, it's not ideal, but it's definitely part of the price I am willing to pay to have this baby come. I am looking at it as a badge of motherhood and a sign that my baby is growing and is healthy and strong. Plus...it's not like I'm going out in a bikini or anything.

We will be moving into a new house in a couple of months. More details on that later. I am really excited to get into a house we know we will stay in for awhile and to get settled in that place before the baby comes.

Day 05--Your Favorite Quote

2010-06-19T17:15:00.002-07:00

D&C 68:6

"Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you..."

Twice Baked Blogging

2010-06-18T11:54:00.002-07:00

I already blogged today, yes. But...it's my blog and I can blog twice in one day if I want to. It will be long so you don't need to read it if you don't want to. This blog is for me anyways.

I remember when I was younger (think ages 3-6), my brothers would get into trouble a lot. I never would...I'm an angel, remember? A lot of that "trouble" would mean they would end up fighting. Nate scratched Ty, then they would kick... and wrestle...and so on. Mom used to make them sit at opposite sides of the long couch and stare at each other. Within a couple minutes, the glares would melt and they would start laughing. Mom would then release them and they would be on their way. I remember being on one side of that couch (obviously my mom was mistaken because I, of course, was not at fault). I still laugh thinking about it. That's probably why whenever J is getting on my nerves, I start to laugh.

I remember we would go for bike rides ALL the time. We only had one car and Dad would take it to work, so Mom would either walk with us, or ride bikes with us everywhere. I remember one particular outing we went and saw some horses that were along side one of the roads we were riding down. I had never been taught how to properly feed a horse, so I proceeded to feed this gigantic, white horse the completely wrong way. Mom said, "I remember looking over not a minute later and your entire arm was in the horse's mouth." I don't remember freaking out...but maybe I did. (That was strike one with me and horses, by the way.)

I remember playing Batman all the time. Ty was always Batman, Nate was always Robin, and I was either Catwoman or Batgirl. Mom used to cut up old black sweatshirts to make our face masks out of. Then we'd throw on towels or blankets and chase each other around the yard. I still have an urge sometimes to throw on an old face mask and run around. We also used those masks to play Ninja Turtles. I always wanted to be Michelangelo because he was the funny one, but Nate was always Michelangelo and Ty was always Leonardo. They always made me play Donatello because he was the purple one and purple, of course, is a girl color.

I remember feeling that Fall was magical. Something in the air always changed and I felt like anything could happen. Fall was my favorite time of year. School started (this is back when school was fun) which meant school supply shopping, Halloween was just around the corner, which meant Christmas was on its way, and there was pretty much nothing but cloudy days in sight for the rest of the year. I was definitely raised in the right state. I could give a hoot for sunny days, but you throw me a cloudy day and I feel like a new person. (I live in the totally wrong state now.) I think second grade was my favorite...ever. It even topped kindergarten.

Speaking of kindergarten, I remember walking to the bus stop one day in the fall and I slipped on a patch of ice. I landed right on my nose onto the loose little bits of gravel. I walked home crying not only because it hurt, but mainly because I was so concerned that I had little bits of gravel permanently embedded into my nose. Mom let me stay home for a little bit, then drove me to school. I felt so self-conscious. I knew for sure all the kids were going to tease me. And, I still remember coming home, eating some macaroni and cheese with a side of carrots, and telling my mom, "And Mom, not one kid made fun of me! They didn't even know!"

One year for Halloween, my mom thought it would be fun for me to dress up as a bunch of grapes. I readily agreed thinking, "How original!" (In a 6-year-old's language, of course.) I remember when she got done doing my face paint all purple, I looked in the mirror and thought, "I look like those weird orange guys on Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory." (Nevermind that orange is totally not the color purple.) And I started to cry. Why couldn't I be dressed up like a pretty princess?? My little 6-year-old heart was broken. So even after all the hard work of blowing up and attaching all those purple balloons to my little body, my mom took a couple pictures, then took all the balloons off and let me go to the carnival just dressed in purple. If I could, I would go back in time and tell my 6-year-old self to quit wanting to be like everyone else and stay dressed up as a bunch of grapes (with more tact...I was a sensitive little thing) . That was the cutest costume ever.

When we were homeschooled with my cousins when I was 8, all 6 (three cousins, two brothers) of us would ride our bikes everywhere. We used to ride to the closest grocery store where they had 10 cent Shastas, then we would go to the library, and the park, and just ride up and down the whole town. We owned that place. After school, we would work on our tree fort we were building--it was a three story tree house that was the coolest thing since peanut butter and jelly to our young, adventurous eyes. Also among our favorite activities was going up to my great-grandparent's ranch and roaming around the land. We'd play with the horses and the cats and the dogs. We'd climb up to the hayloft and play in there. We'd come up with all kinds of secret games and clubs. We were excellent spies. I remember we would be playing in our neighborhood and we wandered over to the far side and found this little trail leading to this secret place that no one knew about (or so we thought). We might as well have stuck a flag there because as far as we were concerned, it was our country.

I remember Dad coming home from work to Nate and I while Mom was at the hospital with Ty doing his MRI and tests. He brought Nate and I into my room, sat on my bed, told us that they found a tumor in Ty's brain, and started sobbing. My 9 year old brain couldn't process the severity of it. All I knew was that my Dad, who never cries, was crying on my bed. I looked awkwardly at Nate, and kind of smiled a weird, "What do we do?" When Mom and Ty got home, I was so nervous because I didn't know how to act. Then, I gave Ty a hug and everything was normal again. This was just my brother. He was just sick. We went to Utah the next afternoon. "Childhood Ty" went into surgery and never came out again. He was still there...in some ways, i guess...but he was different. No more Leonardo or Batman. No more pogs. No more bike rides and crazy adventures.

"Childhood Ty" was gone, but Ty was still there. The same sweet, caring, protective older brother of my younger youth was always manifesting himself. I was I think in 8th grade one day when I got sick. I remember Ty came over to me and threw his favorite blanket on me (which was my favorite blanket...so big and soft...totally coveted that blanket) and proceeded to tuck the sides in completely so I was in a cocoon. I remember thinking that it wasn't very comfortable, but I was too touched to move and undo the work he had done. He still had double vision, couldn't walk straight, and was so swelled up, but he didn't even think about himself. He just took care of me. Asked if there was anything I wanted. Gave me the remote. Let me pick what we watched. Pretty sure I've never met a more Christ-like person than him. He was always doing things like that.

A lot of the time, Nate and I would be by ourselves. Mom and Ty would be in Utah doing more Chemo and Radiation and Dad would have to work so we'd be left to our own devices. I remember cooking a lot of instant mashed potatoes. I loved those things. We also watched a lot of Johnny Quest and Scooby-Doo. Nate and I quickly adapted our play time from the 3-person game of Batman, Robin, and Batgirl/Catwoman, to Johnny Quest (He was Johnny, and I was Jessie). His old trunk was our jeep. One day we got really bored, so we decided to use the recliner our grandpa gave us for Ty to use as a catapult/sea-saw device. We would kick out the leg rest and push the back of it almost parallel with the floor. One of us would be balanced on one end while the other would jump onto the opposite end which resulted in someone flying off into the living room. We played that until Nate got his hand smashed in the footrest when it closed on accident.

When Mom and Ty were gone, and we would be with Dad, he would cook steak and ravioli (Chef Boyardee) pretty much every night for dinner. He went through his pro-wrestling phase then. Monday Night Wrestling and Thursday Night Thunder. That's when I first saw the preview to the movie Chucky...that freaky doll. I still get scared of that thing.

I remember standing in the front yard talking with our friend Marianne when I was 14. Her husband ran out of the house with each of his daughters under his arms like they were footballs and said, "Marianne. We gotta go." Marianne started to cry and gave me a really quick hug and said, "I love you, Jess." She then ran away and my grandpa came outside and said, "Jessie. You need to come inside." I was oblivious. Seriously confused. Until I followed my grandpa into Ty's room and saw Dad kneeling beside the bed, his body wracked with sobs. It set in. Ty was gone. He had left. We knew it was coming. He'd been on a morphine drip all week long. Completely out of it. He waited for my aunt and cousin to come into town before he left...I'm sure of it. They lived in Utah and we were with them all the time when we were there. My cousin is one of my best friends. Mom told Aunt Cori how bad Ty was getting and she said, "We're on our way." We thought he was going to go a few days before that but he held on. It was probably about 3 hours after they got here and got to say good-bye that he left. That was a whirlwind. I remember everything...almost every detail; but, at the same time, it feels like a blur. That was 7 years ago.

I'm very reminiscent today. It's weird to think about my life then. Sometimes, it feels like a dream. Most of the time, I feel like I've always been in my 20s and have never been a kid. It's good to remember all of this.

It's also weird to think that someone who was so apart of my life...was so apart of me...isn't part of my life now. My husband doesn't know him. My children won't know him. I often think about what Ty would be like now if he hadn't gotten sick. He was so handsome. He would've broken a whole lot of ladies' hearts. He'd probably be married now (to my best friend...he was so in love with her). He'd probably have children. My child would not have been my parent's first grandchild. What would I be like? What would any of us be like? I start thinking down that road and I know that was never an option. We signed on for this. We always knew it would be like this...would end this way. And that makes me happy. And it makes me love my brother more for accepting the plan that Heavenly Father had for him. He took on the pain and sorrow of his physical body so we could all learn from that experience and become who we are today.

I'm surprised if anyone got this far. This was a lot to write and therefore, a lot to read, but I did it for me. I hope if anyone has read this, they don't think I wrote this to get sympathy or anything. That's always been my biggest concern when I tell people about Ty. I don't want the sympathetic looks. I definitely don't want to hear the, "I'm so sorry"s or "You poor thing"s. I just wanted to write about my childhood, and this event was obviously a big part of it. So there you have it. My reminiscent ramblings.

Day 04--Your Favorite Book

2010-06-18T10:41:00.013-07:00

Ok...these favorites are kind of driving me nuts. I am obviously an extremely indecisive person. So here are a few selections from my library that I could read over and over...

Harry Potter series (which my love got me for Christmas! Yay!)Pride and Prejudice

Twilight series (yes...I'm a "twi-fan"...get over it)
A Tale of Two Cities

Guess How Much I Love You

Day 03--Your Favorite Television Program

2010-06-17T14:37:00.006-07:00

Seriously? Was there ever any question about it? No. How awesome would it be to be able to do that?! I sometimes go to cook dinner, pull out a main ingredient, and try to be my own iron chef. Sometimes it works...sometimes it doesn't, but one of these days, I'll be able to cook just like them.

Runner ups:

30 Rock

Community

The Office

Day 02--Your Favorite Movie

2010-06-16T16:27:00.006-07:00

Again, can't pick favorites, so I am putting a few down.

I'm a sap...what can I say? (Wow, these movie covers all look pretty much the same...)

Day 01--Your Favorite Song

2010-06-15T18:41:00.004-07:00

I hope no one read the previous version of this post because I am re-writing it. If you did read it...here is my explanation:

The songs I put on here are all pretty much recent favorites and after I wrote this I thought about the songs I put and how, in probably a month or two, I would get tired of listening to them and move on to new favorites. This is not a good recipe for a lasting favorite, and so I'm starting over.

The lasting favorites I have (the ones I will never get tired of listening to) are all instrumental. Lyrics have a way of mussing things up--distracting from the music with unnecessary jibber-jabber. The kind of music that speaks to you without lyrics, to me, is a masterpiece...a real work of art.

I had the very fortunate experience of being in the school orchestra from 6th grade on to 12th. I play the violin (a noble instrument; however, I always wanted to play the cello...it's my favorite string instrument in existence). During this time in orchestra I was exposed to all kinds of beautiful music. Baroque, Classical, Romantic, Contemporary, New Age, etc. All kinds of composers--Beethoven, Copland, Sibelius, Haydn, Elgar, etc. In this kind of educational forum, I was able to discover music...really discover it and it's meaning to me. This is where I began composing and letting my soul speak itself through my music. I am not good with words. I never have been. But music? Totally different story. I can speak with music.

All-time favorites (in no particular order):

"Finlandia" Sibelius--the melody for the hymn "Be Still My Soul" was taken from this piece of music. Sibelius was from Finland and wrote this as an anthem for his country. He wrote the beauty of his country into this piece.

Beethoven's 5th (1st movement)--I will never forget the feeling of finishing playing this piece on stage. I felt completely empowered and entirely on top of the world. (And I remember playing this on stage the second time and being so angry at the horns for being out of tune and ruining it all.)

"Adagio for Strings" Barber--Just listen to it and you'll understand. I can't really put into words what this song does to me.

"Enigma Variations-Nimrod" Elgar--This piece is just filled with hope and believe it or not, when we performed this song, I cried. It moves me that much. I still cry.

There are a number of composers these days that have an amazing talent and I find the ones I love the most are the soundtrack composers. For example, Hans Zimmer. I love his pieces. It's probably the "Romantic" in me because most soundtrack compositions could fall into the Neo-Romantic category and my favorite period of music is the Romantic period. There is also Harry Gregson-Williams, James Newton Howard, and Howard Shore.

These are my real favorites. There are many more, but these songs have stuck with me for a long time and influenced me and the music I write. I am awe-struck when it comes to music. I love the duplicity of it. It can be so complex and intricate, but then another piece could be so simple and provoke a greater amount of emotion. I've done enough talking. Now it's time to let it speak for itself:

"Adagio for Strings" Barber

"Finlandia" Sibelius

"The Gravel Road" James Newton Howard

30 Days of Blogging...

2010-06-14T19:36:00.003-07:00

Starts tomorrow.

I saw this on someone else's blog and I thought I would give it a try. Wish me luck.